What would you do? dating and heart devices

Tell him?

by AgentX86 - 2020-12-19 14:51:10

That's a tough one.  My first thought was "without a doubt!" but you got me thinking.  I'm not so sure now.  If you bring it up, you may be signalling that it's a big deal to you.  If you don't, it't just part of you and you're not concerned about it.  Which image to you want to project?

Either way, if he is bothered by it, well, it's better to know now so maybe it is better to discuss it before you go further.  If that's the way you go, I'd just slip it into normal conversation, rather than make it its own subject.  Since he's in the medical fiield, slip it into a conversation about his job.  "My last surgery I had this dreamy intern..."  Well,maybe not but that sort of thig.  When he asks abou it.  "Oh, I have a pacemaker" and move on with the conversation.  Don't script it, just go with the flow.  Remember, it's not a big deal, right?

It's part of you, not the other way around.

Thank you AgentX86

by Pinkit94 - 2020-12-19 15:07:48

Thank you for your response! Now I know what I will do - nothing and just go with the flow. If he asks I will tell him.

I would not be afraid of telling him "when the time is right"

by Gemita - 2020-12-19 15:11:24

Dear Paula,

Oh this is wonderful news just in time for Christmas.  I am so happy for you.

What would I do in your shoes and at your age?  72 year old talking here Paula!!  

I would perhaps not tell him immediately.  Instead I would continue to build up a stronger friendship first, enjoying biking and other activities together until you feel you can talk about absolutely everything.  When you feel ready (and you will know - perhaps that time is now?) and you can find the right moment while walking, biking, (preferably before you become too intimate), I would raise the subject casually . . . 

You could say something like “Oh can you believe that I have a pacemaker ?  I sometimes cannot believe it myself because I feel so normal and am able to do everything I want and to live my life as I wish. . . . then wait to see his reaction.  If he looks at you in disbelief but with understanding, surprise and a bit of concern, you could go on and tell him about your heart condition and why you needed a pacemaker.  But don't say too much, too quickly, hold back and wait for his reaction.  You have plenty of time to discuss any concerns he may have at a later stage.  Just get it out in the open and then move on with your biking, walking, whatever, so that he will have time to digest it all.

If as you say he is spontaneous, fun and shares your love of bike riding and other interests, and enjoys your company, a pacemaker will not get in the way.  Working in medicine, he will know that many people have pacemakers and live completely normal lives.  If he is the right person for you and you for him, a pacemaker should make no difference.  If it does, then clearly you will know that he is not the person for you and you will have lost nothing by disclosing this information.

But I have a good feeling about this.  

Big deal? Yes and no.

by Gotrhythm - 2020-12-19 15:36:49

I find myself largely agreeing with AgentX. Tell him. 

The thing about a pacemaker is that it's not a big deal, and at the same time, it is. Sure we forget we even have it for weeks, months at a time on the one hand, but on the other it's making a whopping big difference. And it shows and does require occasional maintenance.

I know you're afraid that if he learns you have a pacemaker, he might break things off. And I know it's easy for me to say, but if he does, good riddance!

So go ahead and tell him, because if he might be freaked out by knowing you have a pacemaker, you sure don't want said freaking out to happen during an intimate moment. That would be crushing.

I'm sure you're stilll at the getting to know you stage. Rather than trying to manage his perceptions of big deal, no big deal, remember that how you feel about him, matters as much as how he feels about you. 

If he can't deal, it says more about him than it does about you. So tell him. And remember you are on a fact finding mission. You need to know how he will react.

when to tell

by Tracey_E - 2020-12-19 15:58:39

If a guy has a problem with it- whenever you choose to tell him or if he sees the scars and figures it out for himself- then he's not the right guy. He's already seen with his own eyes that you are happy and healthy. So what if a little computer helps with the healthy part? 

Do tell him now.

by Pacey - 2020-12-20 08:26:22

Do tell him now as in during conversation.

I always tell people I meet if only for the mobile phone and pacemaker not getting too near to it.

Have a look back at this previous thread

by crustyg - 2020-12-20 10:12:40

https://www.pacemakerclub.com/message/35859

I think it's wise to prepare someone for your scars, and then leave it at that.  It's slightly unfair to spring all this technology/device/scar stuff on someone in a romantic setting - could easily be a passion killer (we men are such delicate flowers).  Be matter of fact - 'I have a pacemaker for <x>' and with it I'm completely fine/athletic/healthy' and wait.  Give the guy a chance to process this new information, and then respond.

As Tracey says, if he has a problem with it then you know he's not The One.

Best wishes.

Guys

by AgentX86 - 2020-12-20 13:49:00

I think some of you are selling guys short.  I agree with Tracy.  He can see you're active and healthy and that's all that really matters (in relation to the PM, of course).  If he's turned off by a little scar, what's he going to do after childbirth? If I were to find out my GF had a PM (other than having to sleep with one eye open lest my wife find out), my interest would be piqued rather than turned off.  If she was living well with it (mentally and physically) why couldn't I.

Keep trust in the relationship

by Mike417 - 2020-12-21 15:21:02

So, I come at this with several perspectives.  First, relationships are based on trust; if you think he is in for a long term relationship then you both must trust each other and be upfront.  Trust him.  You don't have to mention the scars, if he is bright enough he will figure it out before the big reveal.  On the big reveal ask him what he thinks; if he is in to you he will say no big deal.  But he would have had time to process between telling him you have a pacemaker and the reveal.

Second, having a medical device is no big deal.  I have been diabetic for 54 years, and on an insulin pump for 25 years.  So that is kinda hard to ignore.  I don't think it turned off any woman, because they also saw that I take care of myself.  I very matter-of-factly told my wife 20 years ago, and she was interested in me enough to ask about the disease, and be compassionate.

Third, it is something you live with; it is part of you.  It does not define you (you don't sound like a person who does).  So you both will be part of each other if it all works out in the long run.

Mike