The joys of having a pacemaker

• by Jane21
• 2015-08-26 07:08:02
• General Posting
• 1211 views
• 12 comments

As I have now survived a whole 6 weeks of life with my pacemaker, I thought I'd share some of the highs and lows! Here is a lighthearted look at just some of the issues I encountered :-)
Leaving Hospital.
24 hours post implant it was declared I was now fit and healthy and ready for home. Feeling far from it I telephoned home for someone to collect me. Husband at work, so the responsibility falls on my son. Spot his car at the top of the car park and struggle up the hill with overnight bag feeling somewhat mortal. Greeted with 'Hi Mum, you ok now? Can I borrow 20 quid till next week?' Heyho, back to the real world. In my weakened state I give in.
The Cows.
I admit, this isn't a problem many of you will have come across on finally getting home.
Arrive back on our farmyard to find next doors cows - having broken the fence down - were making a beeline for my flowerbeds and stripping any greenery in their path. Immediately pick up 2 sticks and run round like a mad thing, waving them in the air and shrieking at the top of my voice. Faced with this, most of the cows give up and go back. One decides to hang on for the prized flowers and it takes a fairly determined effort on my part to see him off the premises. Eventually he decides the look in my eye is meaner than the look in his and gives up. He wanders down the drive and into the village.
I remember my pacemaker and immediately feel dire. I stagger inside and ring the farmer next door.
He is out.
I leave an incoherent, sobbing message about his bl***y cows and ring my husband.
He is out of range.
I leave another incoherent sobbing message and ring my 80 year old parents.
My mother hasn't got her hearing aid in, so doesn't understand a word I am saying. My Dad's OCD kicks in and he is worried about the fencing.
My son makes me a cup of tea and tells me to chill. I ring the hospital and tell them I don't feel very well.
That Left Arm.
I now embark on six weeks of not raising or doing anything particularly meaningful with my left arm. I struggle with the image that if I do inadvertently raise it, my leads will immediately become displaced and death will occur shortly after.
Am now left to do Jane Fonda Cardio Workout Level 1 with arm dangling at my side, which feels peculiarly unbalanced.
Find hanging the washing out extremely difficult and on occasion I suddenly realise I am using BOTH arms to peg out. I then have to rush into the kitchen, drink copious amounts of tea, whilst taking my pulse every 2 minutes. Sit and await imminent demise.
Sleep.
Agggghhh, possibly one of the most stressful things ever, particularly if like me, you are a stomach sleeper.
Getting undressed and into bed - hard enough, but turning around once there - nigh impossible. The prospect of 6 weeks staring at the ceiling is not conducive to a good nights sleep. It takes more manoeuvring than the Jane Fonda Cardio Workout Level 1, to get onto my left side. Nope, I can feel the pull at the scar and am sure the device is about to make an unscheduled appearance.
More huffing, puffing and dynamic body throws and I am on my right side. Slightly more comfortable. Then my husband, in his sleep, turns to face me and I am enveloped in his snoring. At this point I hate him.
Bras and Boobs
Sorry gents, but in the main, this is probably a more female problem.
Issues as follows:
How in hells name are you supposed to fasten your bra single handedly?
Equally, how can a man I have lived with all these years be so completely inept at helping me get into the damn thing. He never used to have a problem with the reverse procedure.
And, there is no delicate way of putting this, but if you have boobs bigger than a tennis ball, you sure need that support.
Fitness and Phone Apps
It would appear that the implanting of my device has suddenly turned me into the bionic woman. I now have to be able to run up mountains, wade through streams and kill wild animals with my bare hands.
This is strange, because pre pacemaker I was quite happy with just taking the dog for a walk.
I have also become a phone app junky. I've got a fitness app that calculates my every bodily function. I've got running apps - running? The last time I ran, was for a bus 30 odd years ago. I have exercise apps and instructional apps, but most importantly, I now have several pulse reading apps.
Oh yes indeed.
I can now take my pulse with my finger tip, with my whole finger or even with just my face.
Monitoring my pulse has now become a part of my daily routine, much to the irritation of my entire family.
Not content with just one reading, I may have to check it out on the other apps, just to make sure the first app got it right.
I think this is a habit I may just have to break, as I noticed when out on a 'power'walk the other day, that in my pulse monitoring absorbed state, I took a left instead of a right and narrowly missed falling off the banking and into the river.
So there you have it. The first 6 weeks of life with my pacemaker. These are only some of the issues I encountered and I daresay many of you will have experienced others. What ever the problems, I think one of the most important things is to maintain a sense of humour.
Onwards and upwards.
Love to all Jxx