My PM Checkup

• by nickp
• 2014-10-28 09:10:37
• General Posting
• 1000 views
• 4 comments

CarrieAnne stared intently at her computer screen.

Ever since I had this electronic watchdog implanted in my chest, I've been seeing her every six months. She puts a donut shaped thingy over it, runs a wire between that and her console, and reads my tea leaves.

"Well," she says, "it looks like your heart rate speeded up to 100 beats per minute on August 23rd at 8:07AM."

I was used to that. My pacemaker keeps a history of my heart's activity to an excruciating level of detail. It kind of flipped me out the first time, but I have enough techie in me to understand data and data retrieval.

"And it looks like it had to keep you pumping for a bit on June 3rd." My pacemaker only fires when my heartrate gets low, which happens infrequently, but can keep me from passing out when it does happen. Which is a good thing, since I may be driving at the time. Which is how I acquired the device. The fact that it had sparked my heart was news to me, but not surprising or unusual since I don't feel it when it does.

CarrieAnne continue to manipulate her touch screen. "I see your band is doing a show at the end of November." she said casually.

I stared her. You can see that there?

"Relax," she said. "I saw that on your Facebook page." Oh yeah, I had posted that and she had liked our page.

"Wow" she said. "It looks like you have some pretty strong feelings about some of our political candidates." Well, that's pretty evident from my Facebook postings too. Perhaps I should temper those down a bit? Nah.

"Hmmmm, it looks like you really miss some of your friends and family. ...." Wait, I don't remember posting that ".....and you had a fight with your wife last week."

Say what? I KNOW I didn't post that

CarrieAnne continued to manipulate the touch screen. "Do you really think that guy on the morning news is an idiot and his co-anchor is cute?" she said.

This was getting a little too freaky.

"And you know, you're a married man - you really shouldn't be looking at your friend's butt that way."

Huh?

"And you really shouldn't be thinking about....."

I ripped the donut off my chest. All my inner thoughts, my desires, my secrets, all those things that I kept hidden in the inner chambers of my heart, were revealed through that donut. At that point, I realized that the Russians really were on to something when they tried to tap into Dick Cheney's pacemaker. I looked at CarrieAnne with the look of a man fearful that someone had tapped into his inner self, his Id, and that she, as well as anybody else with a donut, could manipulate that self and drive him to whatever end they desired.

A smile crossed her face. "Don't worry - I'm just messin' with ya."