Wife of new pacemaker/defibrillator patient

Having a hard time coping with the fact that he just got all this done to save his life and he's still treating everyone like his life is crap and still walks around angry and pissed off at everything. Yet the night he got the surgery done he said he wanted everything to be different now and he's sorry for being a burden and all this other heart felt bs. Im not grasping how someone can get life saving surgery and still be so frigid!

3 Comments

Harder on caregiver

by Theknotguy - 2014-01-26 01:01:58

It's harder on the care giver. You, as the care giver, have to worry about bills, taking care of house, be a driver, cook, etc. All he has to do is to worry about survival and bitch at the care giver. A bad thing to do.

For you, as the care giver, start looking at getting help. Whether it be a psychologist, self help books, priest or clergy, whatever. Not necessarily family as they sometimes have their own agendas that won't necessarily help you.

One set of books at library is the Living with the Verbally abusive ... Spouse/parent//alcoholic. They'll give you a lot of tips on extricating yourself from the verbal abuse as well as identifying the real cry for help. Also some tough love books will help too.

While I was in step down from the hospital, the facility had husband and wife. They had to separate them because the wife was still trying to take care of the husband even though she was sicker than he was. So the role of helpless and helper are sometimes hard to break.

Also had the same thing with my Dad and his second wife. He was in bad shape but started giving her a bad time whenever she showed up. Fortunately the nursing staff intervened. Kinda the "you hurt the one you love" situation. But - you, as the care giver, don't have to take the abuse.

Without you, the care giver, he'd be in a lot worse shape. So instead of being bitchy, he should be thankful. If he isn't, it's time to extricate yourself from the mess.

For me, I was in a coma for six days. Unbelieveable situation all around. I still haven't come to grips about how close I was to death. So, as the patient and being human, you concentrate on how bad you feel at the moment and not on how much good was done for you. But - and this is a big "but" - it doesn't give me the right to bully or abuse you as the care giver.

There's a lot of things wrapped up in the situation. Bullying, abuse, helplessness, being a victim, etc. Unfortunately bad times sometimes brings out the worst in people. However, as I said before, you don't have to take it. Nor does the person handing it out have the right to be difficult to live with.

For me, I'm trying to be as courteous and complementary of my care giver as I can be. It was a lot thrown on her in a matter of hours and then days. All I had to do was survive. She's been a solid base for me and I appreciate all she has done.

Hopefully you can get help. Like I've said several times, you don't have to take the abuse.

Theknotguy

Sorry to hear this

by fishfighter - 2014-01-27 07:01:01

Myself, my wife is my care giver. When I first found out I was in heart failure, my world was turn upside down. I went into full depression. And of course my life went thru a big change. I was the bread winner, did everything and all that was taken away from me overnight. It took me a few months to adjust from being sick and to adjust to my new life. Then it also took a bit longer to adjust to the feeling of "why me?". Then it took some time for my wife to adjust for her to step back and just let me be and just let me do everything that I can for myself. In fact, I still have to tell her back off and let me do what I can. Yes, she is scared for me, but then this life changing event changed everything for the both of us.

Right now, your hubby is going thru this life changing event and is just pissed off at the world as to the "why me?" question. He needs to get on some depression meds ASAP. For yourself, you might need to get on them too.! Try to back off and just let your hubby do for himself.

Hard to explain

by Marie12 - 2014-02-02 08:02:47

I have an ICD and have just recently begun to see both the patient and caregiver side. My husband can't understand why I feel the way I do sometimes. It's hard to express that you feel your body has let you down and as is always the way, we express or display those feelings to the one you love the most which is usually your caregiver. I know at times I can be demanding, emotional and moody. I go from being angry to sad within seconds. I am ashamed that I am a burden to my husband. I am only 53 and our entire life has changed. It has been seven months for me now and I have only just begun to understand what my husband is dealing with and I am starting to try and make adjustments within myself in order to make things better for my entire family. I am hoping for you that your sprouse will soon begin to feel the same way. If not, beg him to go to counselling or go yourself.

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