username

I decided to drop my last initial on my username when I found out one of our students where I work had a pacemaker implanted. It makes me feel rather vulnerable should he decide to join this site. Hopefully us geezers will turn him off. I have learned over the years kids can use lots of things against their teachers.
On another topic I finally got confirmation that my ventricle lead is actually implanted. I love how they say "so don't worry". I get pains, spasms, tightness that I never had before, yet I am not to worry. Still dealing with anger and depression over this device. I am one of those who got no notice, no reduction in quality of life before this came on with a bang. I now consider my old life to be over. I participate in practically nothing anymore and I have aged from this experience. This was evidenced when a woman asked me if I were my husband's mother. I was actually starting to fell better. That sent me spiraling down again. But the new meds (wellbutrin) seem to be helping. I know I should be grateful. This device is not keeping me alive, but it is allowing me to drive, to work, to be by myself, etc. I hope to get there. One of my doctors said I should give myself until after the holidays, then pick myself up and get back on track. Not sure if it will happen. One day at a time.
thanks for all the great posts. I read them everyday.
judy

14 Comments

Roller Coaster

by Marie12 - 2013-12-04 07:12:01

I call it the emotional roller coaster. I had a massive heart attack, stent put in then two weeks later an ICD that is there to "shock" my heart should it go out of rythmn. My EF is 30 and I have congestive heart failure. It was sudden for me too. Perfectly healthy before that so I completely understand what you are saying. If you were ill before and then get a pm or icd and you feel better then I think it would be so much easier to accept. Unfortunately for us, that is not the way it worked out. I felt amazing before my heart attack and there are many days I feel my body has betrayed me.

I have good days and I have bad days. I just posted on a bad day last week. I think for awhile it will just work that way. It's kind of like an AA program. One day at a time. I know it's rough when there are more bad then good but I am encouraged by everyone on this site that things will improve.

Yes, your old life is over. Now we need to figure out how to move on and make the best of the new one.

I hope you feel better soon

by Butterflyin2 - 2013-12-04 07:12:14

I can only imagine needing to get a pacemaker out of the blue. In some ways you had it a little better than those of us who had to deal with the symptoms that led us to the pm. Not to discount the shock you had to endure when you found out you had one. I had been fainting and my last faint put a gash in the back of my head that was stitched up in the ER only to reopen two weeks later when they tried to take out the stitches. A week later I had to have my head surgically closed. Then two weeks later I went under anesthesia again for the EP study, ablation and dual lead pm. I am a young minded 56 yo and it took me some time to get used to the idea that I needed a pm. Now I know it is a good thing for me to have one.

One more thing. We adopted our two sons when I was 47 and 49. I do color my hair but I have had several comments about my "grandchildren". Whoa, I had to deal with those comments and the first one really hurt. So, I know a little bit about the older looks that people have the audacity to comment on. I had to toughen up and it still hurts when people can't keep their mouths shut. Take it easy with yourself Judy. I am here if you want to chat.

Hi Judy

by Duke999 - 2013-12-04 07:12:31

You're not the only one. I feel EXACTLY how you feel and are going through. What are we to do? We got no choice, but live 1 day at a time. Perhaps, our luck will be better, in the next life. Hang in there. I wish you well.

Duke

Ok to be angry

by Theknotguy - 2013-12-04 11:12:55

I got my PM after a traumatic experience. Woke up six days from a medically induced coma with people saying, "Guess what?"

I have sleep apnea and have to live with a CPAP. So I had to go through the "I don't like to live with a CPAP but my life is better with it." So it made adjustment to the PM easier. I've been up to Alaska, down to Barbados, and all over the US with my CPAP. It's just part of the luggage now.

It's OK to be angry that you have a PM. But you should love the PM equipment for what it has done for your life. (In my case it brought me back from being dead.)

It's OK to be angry that your life has changed. But there are a lot of things you can do in your new life.
I had to give up scuba diving and mountain climbing, but I wasn't doing them anyway, so I guess I won't miss them. If you look on this forum you'll see people with PM's doing a lot of things the conservative doctors say they can't. It's a new life.

Sometimes people will say the trigger words that set you off. I had that too. Mainly because I hadn't dealt with my anger at my life situation. So it's OK to think life isn't fair - and sometimes it' isn't. But when you see what has happened to some other people you don't feel so bad. Have your pity party, then get on with your life.

If you can work with a psychologist that will help too. I also recommend therapy dogs.

Hope this helps.

Theknotguy

Glad to hear that!!

by Marie12 - 2013-12-05 07:12:27

I am taking the three days vacation for the same reason. Just to take care of me. Glad to hear you are taking care of you.

Posting

by valley01 - 2013-12-05 08:12:30

I understand what you are saying about posting personal info, I always worry that someone I know will see it and know it's me. But then I tell myself so what if they do. I can completely understand your position though, being a teacher and in the public eye. I feel very fortunate that I was not sick for a long time before getting my PM. I feel fortunate that the day I went into the ER my EP's partner was on duty and he chose the more aggressive approach and didn't instead send me home with medicines and a "try this first and we'll see you in two months" approach. I could have been sick for a long time while they tried medicine after medicine. My implant was October 1st. I've run 4 5k's since then and this past weekend I had my best time ever. That's not to say I have accepted my fate, I am still searching for answers as to why a healthy active 43 year old could go from healthy to PM. But while I search for answers I am happy to have the PM to keep me going. I'm also secretly fascinated by the technology side of it. Like you said, one day at a time. I work with a guy that accidently shot his leg off in a hunting accident - talk about sudden! He was back to work in just over a week, his attitude never wavered. He accepted and moved on and today (10 years later) most people don't know that he has a prosthetic. He still hunts, rock climbs, etc. I used him as my inspiration. And I like Theknotguy's suggestion with therapy dogs. They truly are wonderful.

thank you

by judyblue - 2013-12-05 10:12:49

I am very grateful for all your comments- I truly take them in.
I have what I consider "therapy cats". They have helped me tremendously!
I know a bit about AA and one of things to do is complete the thought. For an alcoholic it is thinking all the way through having a drink, getting drunk, sleeping off the drunk, facing family and friends, etc. So I try to do the same with the pm: if they had sent me home and my symptoms returned, they could have happened in the car; I could have been doing 80mph (i am known to ignore that law) on a highway and crashed. I could be dead and my husband and daughter would be devastated. Or worse: I could hit a mother and her children hurting or killing them. Neither one of those scenarios would be worth me waiting to see if this thing were necessary. My focus now must be acceptance. With all of you guys help, I may get there!
judy
p.s. I took today off just to take care of myself. pretty good, huh?

A few Random Thoughts...

by donr - 2013-12-06 02:12:24

...And I'm not even Thomas Sowell!

1) You do NOT want to enter the holiday period depressed. Watching all sorts of other people happy & spreading good cheer is a downer for a depressed person & it shoves them down farther. Start working on it NOW so that the holidays uplift you.

2) A repeat from above - YES! you do have a new "Normal."

3) The past is the past & cannot be resurrected. Remember it, but do not dwell on it to the point that it affects your future.

4) The future is what you make it. That is true for every one of us. None of us know what it holds. We will not know what we can do till we try things. How does Boeing find out what a new airplane can do? They fly it & push its flight envelope slowly to match what their computers say it can do. Ever fly in a B-707? Remember that venerable bird, the first of the many successful Boeing jets? Did you know that it can perform a complete barrel roll? Tex Johnson, Boeing's chief test pilot, did one - much to the chagrin of the Boeing brass. But he had flown the plane many times & slowly stretched the envelope & KNEW it was capable. Now go out & do your equivalent.

5) Life is what it is. Your heart failed on you. It could have been a broken leg, an auto accident or a stroke. You have to play the game w/ the cards you are dealt. Of the many catastrophic events that could have occurred, this is probably the least worst.

6) You are angry. At WHAT? Fate? Your heart? Anger does not solve the problem - it only prolongs it & makes it worse.

7) You have to make a decision. Do you WANT to get better? Or, do you want to wallow in misery?

8) There are two people who want to help you & support you. I do not have to tell you who they are. Let them. They love you.

9) Why wait to do something? The longer you "Lie there," the harder it is to pick yourself up. Grab daughter tomorrow & say "Daughter, lets go XXXXXXXXX." (Fill in the X's w/ some activity you both enjoy) and go do it! "Life is a banquet & some poor XXX's are starving to death." (Lucille Ball as "Auntie Mame.")

10) Notice I have NOT said "Not to worry." Easy for someone else to say.

11) There is an old Christian benediction that is applicable here: "Father, grant me the strength to change what can be changed; the serenity to accept what cannot be changed; and the wisdom to know one from the other."

12) Your job is to sort out all that has happened into the two categories in 11).


The best to you as you approach the holiday season.

Don

OOPS

by Joey1953 - 2013-12-07 09:12:16

Guess I got alittle too anxious! How is your "old" life better than your "new Life

Hi

by pacergirl - 2013-12-07 09:12:34

Just wanted to add my thoughts to your "situation." I too was taken by surprise when I had to get a pacemaker! I thought that old people got pacemakers and I sure wasn't old so why in the heck did I need one? Well, I needed one because my heart needed some electrical work!

I went through a period of excitement about having some energy back again, and then I began to think. OMG! My life was ... dreaded//// OVER! Well, guess what, it took some time and I did struggle a lot, but today I AM HAPPY! I have come to realize that my life is just beginning again! I can make changes, get a new job, start my own design business, re-discover the things in life that love to do, travel, make new pacemaker friends and keep the old ones too!

I'm so excited every morning that I get to wake up! It means that I get another chance to not only make myself happy, but the chance to make a positive difference in everyone's life that I meet. So I challenge you, do something, anything for someone else. Doesn't matter how small or large it is. Begin to use the new days you have to make someone's life better. Make yourself a priority! You deserve it. BTW, you are the main focus for me today, so I am sending good vibes to you....

Now, get out there mentally or physically and HAVE SOME FUN, SHARE SOME LOVE!

your friend,
Pacergirl

PM also a surprise

by Joey1953 - 2013-12-07 09:12:51

I am about 5 weeks with "Mona" my PM I thought I should give I a name. I hope I am able to make good use of this second chance but I am also scared & wish I knew what I am going to be able to do & not do without thinking I will have a major stroke!! My husband & I have been intimate & it was good but I am not sure how "into it " one can get. Driving was abit nervous but little trips & errands have worked out well. I think this site is good was going to the therapist but decided to try & work through or with this myself. I am 62 & my pm was a surprise also!

PM also a surprise

by Joey1953 - 2013-12-07 09:12:52

I am about 5 weeks with "Mona" my PM I thought I should give I a name. I hope I am able to make good use of this second chance but I am also scared & wish I knew what I am going to be able to do & not do without thinking I will have a major stroke!! My husband & I have been intimate & it was good but I am not sure how "into it " one can get. Driving was abit nervous but little trips & errands have worked out well. I think this site is good was going to the therapist but decided to try & work through or with this myself. I am 62 & my pm was a surprise also!

PM also a surprise

by Joey1953 - 2013-12-07 09:12:53

I am about 5 weeks with "Mona" my PM I thought I should give I a name. I hope I am able to make good use of this second chance but I am also scared & wish I knew what I am going to be able to do & not do without thinking I will have a major stroke!! My husband & I have been intimate & it was good but I am not sure how "into it " one can get. Driving was abit nervous but little trips & errands have worked out well. I think this site is good was going to the therapist but decided to try & work through or with this myself. I am 62 & my pm was a surprise also!

PM also a surprise

by Joey1953 - 2013-12-07 09:12:54

I am about 5 weeks with "Mona" my PM I thought I should give I a name. I hope I am able to make good use of this second chance but I am also scared & wish I knew what I am going to be able to do & not do without thinking I will have a major stroke!! My husband & I have been intimate & it was good but I am not sure how "into it " one can get. Driving was abit nervous but little trips & errands have worked out well. I think this site is good was going to the therapist but decided to try & work through or with this myself. I am 62 & my pm was a surprise also!

You know you're wired when...

Titanium is your favorite metal.

Member Quotes

Pacemakers are very reliable devices.