feeling morbid

I'm turning 40 in six months. I had my PM put in on July 1 for 3rd degree heart block. I had open heart when I was 30 due to an ASD that no one knew I had until then. I was told that because my ASD repair was so close to the electrical node, it isn't surprising that it eventually failed.

So I think I'm having a midlife crisis. ;) In many ways I feel like I'm still a kid and I've never really grown up, and now another part of me feels like I'm at the point where I should be prepared to die. Like I'm at the end of my life. I'm only going to be 40! I know it's ridiculous. I think the PM has something to do with it, the weirdness and newness of being dependent on a machine for the rest of my life, but I know that it is prolonging my life rather than shortening it. Just nine years ago I had no idea my heart was malfunctioning...

I don't really have any questions, just wanted to put this out there to help my brain process it. :)

9 Comments

great words

by ohiolaura - 2013-08-11 08:08:15

So much great advice here,and wisdom.First,Tracey's post sounded like something I might write.The others too,I really cant come up with anything profound that they didn't already cover in the posts before mine.
I bet however,that donr could put some interesting words-o-wisdom together for light reading!
Diddo on the posts,all sound words,to read,and most of all,live by.
Ive made it this past year mainly because of the support,laughter and knowledge that is the Pacemaker Club.
Laura

one more thing....

by ohiolaura - 2013-08-11 08:08:44

Ah yeah, I turned 50 this year,and its n o big deal!
Think 40 was rougher,have to say,loved the 30's,probably cause my kids kept me so busy,we had so many fun adventures!
don't FRET 40,IT'S CAKE!

Hi,

by Gellia3 - 2013-08-11 11:08:10

I just wanted to chime in here.

Please think of your PM as giving you your life, rather than just prolonging it.

I've had my PM for 38 years now. I've raised two children and have a 10y/o granddaughter that is the joy of my life.
I didn't miss a thing and sure would have if it had not been for a PM. I have the same 3rd degree type block and a PM gave me a life.

I hope to have a it for another 38 years. Uh,...well, maybe not that long. 65 years young in Dec. :)

Enjoy that nice long life your PM will now give you.
After all, we all deserve that.

Best to you,
Gellia

ASD

by kmom - 2013-08-11 11:08:14

I too had surgery to repair an ASD when I was 25--I was born with it but really didn't have any symptoms from it but they were afraid that if I ever got pregnant I would be in real trouble. Ironic thing was I never got pregnant but adopted 2 wonderful children. Welcome to the club. I don't have a PM as yet but my have SND because my heart rate keeps going from slow to fast most of the time (and the drugs they gave me to control the fast HR I think are zapping my energy --and yes I'm also feeling "old" sometimes but wonder how I can be when it just seems like yesterday when----- ha--Believe me you're not alone in your feelings.

normal

by Tracey_E - 2013-08-11 11:08:32

My oldest just got her drivers license, sometimes I look around to see where the grown up is because I know I can't be old enough to be mom to a 16 yr old. When I got the invitation to my 25 yr college reunion, I actually did the math because I KNEW it was wrong. Um, it wasn't. My grandmother (91) laughed when I told her, told me to try having 21 great grandchildren and 2 great-greats. Apparently she, too, still thinks she's 16 at times.

And feeling morbid sometimes is normal too. Call it midlife crisis, call it delayed reaction, call it whatever but learning your heart isn't normal is a reality check, a big smack in the face that we aren't going to live forever. No one is, most of us just never had a reason to think about it before. I use it. It gives me motivation to take the best care of myself that I can. It's incentive to eat well, to exercise hard, to be diligent about regular check ups and blood work. I figure in the end it will make me live longer because I'm more aware than others my age that things can and do go wrong.

We are dependent on all sorts of machines, don't let this mess with your head too much. Every time we drive a car, fly in a plane, a machine is in control. Remind yourself that these little computers are much more dependable than the wonky wiring system we have. I suspect you already know that but maybe seeing it from someone else who's been paced every beat will help ;)

For me, thinking about turning 40 was worse than turning 40. My 40's have been the best decade yet, wouldn't want to go back to my 30's or 20's. I turn 47 next month and am already cringing at the though of 50 *eye roll*

Go do something fun, maybe even a little bit crazy, for your birthday. Celebrate life.

Fobidden to be sad

by LuCas - 2013-08-11 11:08:46

Hello,
It is the first time we get in contact and so be welcome to this marvellous club.
I think that you meant ASD as Atrial Septal Defect. Have surgeons managed to correct the defect? I’ve read that, sometimes, no surgery is needed, but in other cases yes, which probably was your case.

Well, first of all, the pacemaker (pm for short): it is a great friend. Sometimes the pm alone cannot do miracles, because of the underlying disease that is being treated. With lots of pleasure I will shortly repeat my disease for comparison. Follow my thinking: I have an enlarged heart. This enlarged heart caused the electrical system in the heart to go crazy. This electrical problem provoked AF (Atrial Fibrillation) and AF (Atrial Flutter). I managed to correct the AF, but not the AF. Since July 2012, I started to feel intense AF and SVT (Supra-Ventricular Tachycardia) and, in the beginning this year, my heart started to beat very slow (38 bpm). So, I got a pm implant. After my implant, my heart beat was risen to 75 permanently and 55bpm during rest (sleep time). In this situation, my doctor told me that, although my AV node is intact (not ablated), I am 98% dependent on the pm to do my daily routines like walk, wash, work and life. Of course that my situation differ from others here where the AV was ablated and it would be more difficult or impossible to live without a pm.
I’ve told before that pm is not an icecream, but it is also not a demon. Pm is a second chance in life and that we are all aware of that.

No one of us wanted to be sick or have limitations of any kind.

Now, let’s have a philosophical lesson.

Let’s celebrate and be happy 1- First of all, we are all brothers on this planet. Every single intelligence, somewhere around the planet, is working to develop technologies. And technologies are not questioning religion, political position, sex gender… And intelligence is not a patrimony of a single nation. The sum of many different areas like chemistry, biology, physics, surgical techniques, computer imaging technologies, etc. and many more, are joined together to bring to everyone of us the wonders of technology.
For us, the PACEMAKER is more important than the man on the moon and more important than the most expensive car or house. Who cares about those expensive items? We just want our heart beating. And, they are beating for much much less price than a million-dollar luxury car.

Let’s celebrate and be happy 2- There are many other health limitations that would make our heart problems sound ridiculous. We are dealing with mechanical problems, structural and electrical problems of the body. Other people are fighting diseases. We are lucky, they are not so lucky. Bacterial and virus diseases are cruel in many situations. So, if you think about the worst thing that could have happened to you and has not happened (and with the bless of our Lord never will), you should feel lucky, just like us.

Let’s celebrate and be happy 3- I believe that diseases are a moment of reflexion for all of us. In my case, I feel really confusing sometimes about my health. What kind of person would I be without it? I am sure of one thing: I would never be the sensitive human being I am now without it. I am not saying that diseases are the way God found to teach the most important lessons just like the Bible’s Job story.
We definitely cannot live a life of an invalid. We are not the case. I’ve told people once that most of us here will never die of heart disease, but from other causes. So, we should not worry so much about our end.

Just because you feel that you have not been mature enough to face certain things, well I’ve been facing my fate from my 15years old. And I managed to survive asthma for 12 looooooong years since I was 2-years old. So, during my whole life, I’ve had only 3 years of non-symptomatic diseases 
I started learning paraglider when I was 35 after 4 cardioversions (electrical shocks in the heart). But that was an old dream and I would never let my disease be an osbstacle to my dream. I learned, I flew many times, and I flew alone from a 700m tall mountain wall. It as I, the paraglider and… God. Just flying up there in the sky with the wind whitling in the years. How frustrated I would be without taking those lessons. Now, I stopped. I am taking warfarin , which is an anticlotting drug and a bone fracture would be the problem to me. I could bleed to death. Do I have other crazy dreams? Yes, of course, but I am also prepared to let them go if they put me in a risky situation. I’ve been interested in furniture making, but, although it is on the ground, certain machines will not be good to my pacemaker, specially drills. So, I will invent a DIY machine to automatically make holes for me , so that I don’t need to hold the drill. I want also to invent a lawn mower with shock absorbers so that give the project to my Pacemaker club members so that we can all happily mow our grass without feeling the machine trembling our arms (because trembling can cause the pm sensor to “think” that you are running and will speed up).
You see? Just one month after my pm implant my mind is full of ideas of how to overcome the limitations imposed by the device.

Now, you may think that I am saying all those things because my problem is less severe than yours. Not at all, my friend. I have restrictive miocardiopathy. Go to google and do a research about the gloomy prognostics of that disease. My heart will continue to enlarge until I need a heart transplant. Until there, I hope that our technology is much more advanced and maybe I won’t need a donor. Maybe our technology will provide us with a totally artificial and functional heart. Maybe. Maybe. Until there, I keep on living as I can. What else can I do? But I have a secret to share with every reader: don’t wait too long to make that dream come true in your life. When the final day comes…. ahahahahaha no regrets . You like fishing, go fishing; you like boating, go taking that lovely boat ride; you like UFC… Stop! (no, definitely it is not for us); you like gardening, go prepare your beautiful garden; you like other things, just go for it. Just learn what you can do and
LIVE! LET’S CELEBRATE LIFE!
I wish you all the best and always come here whenever you feel the need of a friend who will understand you.

Lucio Castro
From Brazil

Can I Add to Lucio Castro

by Many Blessings - 2013-08-11 12:08:19

Hi,

Boy! I can't top the awesome advice Lucio gave you above, but I'll try to help in any way I can.

I don't think any of us "over 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90" ones out here feel our age. I know I don't. I'm 53 and I hear my husband joke to me on a daily basis "Why do I feel like I'm dealing with a 5 year old (or 10 year old, or 16 year old depending on the situation)". Not because I'm acting like a spoiled child, but because I'm climbing fences, running after some kind of creature I've found in the woods, desert, mountains, etc., rescuing an animal I find in distress, getting into some sort of mischief, teaching a child how to roll down a hill, and a million other things!

You can't let any situation you've been put in (health wise or otherwise) let you stop living! If you do that, THEN you will stop living! You have to stay positive! I won't lie, life can suck sometimes, and everyone is going to have a bad day. Also, really bad stuff happens to ourselves and those we love, but you have to look beyond that and know, those times are (or should be) few and far between, and you will get through them.

I have a number of serious cardiac problems (like Lucio, cardiomyopathy with heart failure is one of the many), and I, like Lucio, do NOT look at it as a death sentence, even though that is what we are told. I've been told a heart transplant is something I will need, maybe sooner than later. I don't even believe them (the many doctors who have told me so) to tell you the truth and I don't even think about it! I'm too busy enjoying life and having fun! I laugh all of the time (sometimes, at the expense of others, but who is counting!) LOL! I also take care of myself mentally and physically.

Look at life as a gift! Enjoy it! Love it! Get out there and have fun, be grateful, and do something new and exciting as often as you can. If you have a bad day once in a while, so be it, but after that, get right back out there and start living again!

If you have depression issues, or just can't beat the "down in the dumps" feelings your feeling, then please seek help. Maybe you need some professional help to get you through this tough time. I have friends like that, and I know by watching them, no amount of "positive thinking" helps. In that case, please see if there is something you can take (medication) or do, to help you. Otherwise, go out there and have fun! Look for the good in yourself and others! See what you can do to help others and don't focus on the negative things going on in your life.

Also, give yourself time to heal, emotionally, mentally, and physically. This is still new to you and you have to go through the recovery time. Don't be too hard on yourself. Whatever you're feeling is real. It may not be what I, or others out here felt/feel, but I guarantee it, there are a ton of others out there that know exactly what you're feeling!

Blessings always!

the piano is not firewood yet

by alicia6650 - 2013-08-12 03:08:59

That is a song by Regina Spektor. The Piano Is Not Firewood Yet

listen to it. Things are not as bad as they can be until they are...and they aren't yet.

I've been through a lot (if you can find my first post from a few days ago, its an abridged version) and my story is a little different but the common thread holds true for all of us: this device business is tough. This device business makes you feel dependent and like a sick person and confused and worried. But when I got my first device my doctor (who orginally saved my life about 6 years prior) said to me "I don't have to worry about you anymore when you are not in my office. Alicia, your heart will not be what kills you." So, this thing that admittedly provides us all with a number of challenges also provides us, if we will allow, with the knowledge that while we appeared to be broken, we are fixable. And what could have killed us, didn't. And what had the power to kill us, won't. I think it makes us all superhero's among men. Which..is awesome. Awesome in the original definition of the word. It is a wonder what technology can do. And in all honesty, with bum tickers, none of us have an business being aliive. But we all are. That, to me, is truly amazing.

Instead of letting it make you feel down, realize that it makes you part of a group of people who are amazing and in my eyes, awe-inspiring.

If you (or anyone) get a chance to listen to that song let me know if it helps...it helps me all the time. Its my go to when i feel blue!

YOLO

by narcagba85 - 2013-08-20 02:08:37

Hey there! My name is Junior. I also have a complete heart block. I had a heart attack 2010 at age 23. It was the scariest moment of my life. Even until now I still have a hard time believing that it happened. I have good days and bad days, as we all do, but I do try my best to live a normal life. We are all blessed to still be here and we should live every sec of it. YOLO- You only live once. Its easy to say to live life, but people like us sometimes its hard to and noone will ever understand what we've gone through and what we are all still going through. But we are all strong individuals. We fought through all the pain of all why's and feeling like theres no tomorrow. I'm 27 now. It took me 3 yrs to get my life back. I went back to school last year and recently graduated this past July 2013. I earned a certificate in Medical Office Administration having a 4.0 GPA. I'm planning on working at the American Heart Association to be an advocate for kids that have what we have. Everyday, Thank God that you are alive and be grateful you are blessed to wake up every morning to see your family and friends. They are what and who we live for. Happy life Happy heart.

You know you're wired when...

Your device acts like a police scanner.

Member Quotes

I just had this miracle implanted two weeks ago and I’m feeling better.