Memorial Day thanks and sadness.

First of all, a big thank you too all of our armed forces, both now and in days gone by. I deeply appreciate your service to our country.

I'm feeling sad and thankful today. Four years ago my nephew committed suicide on this day. Only 21, he worked himself into a spot that seemed untenable and saw no way out. He felt alone but was not. He's was not my blood nephew but I am an only child and his mom and I have been the best of friends, really sisters, since we were both in junior high school.
I was there while her boys grew up and I was aunt Kris.

I was the first call she made after the emergency workers were gone and the coroner came for her sons body. I could not believe what I was hearing when she told me "Jordan killed himself" I could not fathom this but could only scream out in pain and horror. I could not believe that on this fine morning, when my kids and I had just awakened from a miserable (but wonderful) night, camping above Monarch that anything like this could be true.

All I wanted was to be with her and hold her and try somehow shelter her from this and I couldn't. I was on a mountain in Colorado and she was so far away in Oregon. But no matter how close you are, there are some things you can not shelter people from, no matter how much you love them.

So, today I wish I could go to Oregon and shelter my sister, my friend and I know I could help, but I still can't make it better. I still can't make it not true and I can't turn back time. I also realize just how precious life is. How fleeting it can really be. I imagine most of us understand that, some on a very intimate level.

So, I guess sometimes life really puts us in crappy spots. Sometimes it seems unbearable but the crap is temporary and life is certainly worth living. I'm thankful today that I got a second chance. I finally convinced my doctor something was wrong and almost instantly I was getting my pacemaker and my life is SO MUCH BETTER! I'm just thankful for what I have but sad about whats been lost.

I hope today you all can feel thankful, despite the crap in life and the people you've lost.
Kris

3 Comments

Hey Tattoo Man

by singingtothewheat - 2013-05-27 04:05:12

So true, your words and thank you.
Yes, his mom and I have been through all those why's and in the end, it all boils down too, we loved him and he loved us. Sometimes life and the situations within just wring it all out of you. He was at his core a very loving, precious, kind young man, he just made some really bad choices that compounded until he saw other way. It doesn't make me love him less, only miss him more.

Thank you so much for your comment.
Have a great day Tat. (hope ya don't mind the abbreviation)

Kris................

by Tattoo Man - 2013-05-27 04:05:40

............................thank you for telling us your story..

For your Nephew ,..I offer you a moments silence....

I have lost people by thier own hand,..including my French Cousin Robert.

Suicide is a word that you have used yourself,..and so,. may I use it myself..? Suicide ellicits such massive emotion from those who are left,..bewildered,..questioning,..and often angry.

Those who are left in the wake of suicide have to deal with the ..Why..When..Where.. ....and back to the ..Why ?

Four years is both a long time and, at the same time..just a moment away..your having posted this tells me that you have come a long way on your own journey regarding how you understand his death.

For yourself, you have been given that wonderful new chance...the chance for a great life....

Nobody reading your account will be other than touched by the message that you have sent out.

Lets us all celebrate life..present and passed...life is never without value.

My Uncle Robert was killed at the Battle of Toul in WW2

Cousin Robert made his own choice in the '60s, when he , as a very intelligent man..just when he thought that it was the right time...





Tattoo Man


Thank you Sparrow

by singingtothewheat - 2013-05-28 04:05:54

So much of what you said struck home. Jordon was so loved but he got lost and in a moment made a decision with no "take backs" or "do overs". If he could have made it through those few moment I believe he would still be alive. I honestly believe he was just overtaken by a sense that nothing he could ever do would make things better and like the power of a wave coming ashore, things went into motion and there wasn't a chance to consider other options.

I love him dearly with all his flaws and I can see that you felt just that way about Abby. It is heartbreaking.

I could not agree more with you on the subject of men. I'm 49, I don't need a male body next to me to feel whole and truthfully, 99.9 % of them not only do not interest me but repel me. I just don't have the desire to play stupid games, play mommie, shelter the male ego or give up more than I ever get. Been there, done that.

It was so great hearing from you and thank you for your sincere reply.

later gater,
singing aka kris

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