Newbie, 33 and about to get first pm

Hello all,

This is my first posting. I'm 33 years old, 10 days out from my first pacemaker (Nov 16th), and have never been more scared of anything in my life! I have 2nd degree heartblock and have lightheadedness, and fatigue pretty much all the time. It's all I can think about! Sometimes the palpitations make me want to scream!

I have always had anxiety, and thats what doctors kept telling me this was and it wasn't until I went to a walkin clinic a few months ago for a random virus that the nurse there finally told me that my heartrate was like 40 bpm. She said I might want to mention that to my doctor. when I did, he put me on a halter monitor and sent me to a cardiologist who finally confirmed it and told me I needed a pacemaker. So I began this journey of emotion with anger, frustration, acceptance, and fear. I don't feel like the people close to me understand the emotional roller coaster that this has put me on. They just keep saying that when I get it I can just move on and stop thinking about it. I'm not convinced it's that easy to just forget so quickly. I know this could be so much worse and I'm so thankful for this technology, but that still doesn't take away the fear.

I've been feeling so alone with all this. It feels like life just keeps moving and things are great for everyone around me, but my life has just stopped! I'm having a hard time seeing over this hump and knowing what to expect on the other side. Last weekend I was in a crowd at a sporting event feeing miserable and symptomatic and everyone around me seemed to be having so much fun, and I kept wondering am I the only one here who has this and feels this way?

I'm so sorry this was long, but I'm so glad to have found this website and thank you in advance for understanding.

All the best,

~Andicat

10 Comments

Welcome

by Grateful Heart - 2012-11-05 11:11:17

Glad you found us. You are not alone and you are completely normal. It's not easy learning your heart has failed you. We've all been there and it is a shocker and scary.

First of all, I think you need to find a new doctor since he had to be told what your heart rate was. Find an EP (Electrophysiologist) who has done many PM implants to perform the operation and that may help ease your mind regarding the operation itself.

The more you can educate yourself, the more comfortable you will become with the idea of all of this. Read past posts on this site and then you can educate your loved ones. Right now they are just trying to reassure you but they don't know how.

The pacemaker will take care of the 40bpm and give you more energy again. It will get easier to accept it and eventually you will embrace it and sometimes even forget you have it...trust me!

Keep in touch and ask any questions you may have, we've all been in your shoes.

Take care,

Grateful Heart

I know that fear; it will pass x x

by chippy22 - 2012-11-06 01:11:02


Andicat, though our conditions are unlikely to be that comparible, or experienced in the same way, the fear that accompanies the need for a pm and the on going issues relating to living with the unpredictable nature of arrhythmias are similar. Once implanted your pm will support your heart, you will be amazed at the wonderful little gadget and its power to give you, me well all of us on this site -life x x
I was very anxious too pre pm inmplatation and was bradycardic like you +heart block + syncope, i was 31 when told that after a cardiac arrest i needed a pm asap.....well i am guessing that my head was racing in a similar way to yours with what ifs.
Andicat I shouldn't of worried the proceedure is ok and I can tell you that apart from the initial movement limitations of your left arm you will be back in the gym working away before you know it.....give yourself time though; this site is a 'brilliant' resource and will answer, i am sure, nearly all of your concerns.
I can only empathise with you and reasure you that before long you will be comfortable with your pm and find that life gets back into perspective.
Take care and hope all is well,
Chippy

the solution

by Tracey_E - 2012-11-06 07:11:52

Try to look at the pm as the end of your problems. When your hr is up where it should be, you won't be so tired and dizzy. I got my first one at 27 and was also terrified just at the thought of it. Actually, I was so terrified that I procrastinated for 2 years, so long that I ended up in emergency surgery and almost died. In case you're wondering, that is not the easy way to do it! You are doing the right thing.


I had it built up in my head to be something awful. But when I woke up in recovery? I already felt better! It was all uphill from there. As we heal and get our energy back and feel good, it truly does get easy to forget it's there.

Knowing what to expect can also help with the fear. If you have any questions about the surgery itself or recovery or living with a pm, ask away. We've all been there.

thanks

by kimbo - 2012-11-06 08:11:08

Hi can i just say i am in the same situation and need a pm for second degree block an am scared stupid of the surgery and how i will feel after that i have not yet said yes to surgery but after reading these comments on this post makes me feel much more inclined for surgery my wiring wont get better my cardio is certain of that and its my only option to live a some what normal life again with out the light headedness, spaced out and near faints and feeling total crap so thanks guys am gunna make my call to cardio and go ahead think am ready to accept this pm and let it help my heart to work they way it should.
hope all goes well for you Andicat and keep us informed.

thanks

kimbo

youre not a whiner!

by ohiolaura - 2012-11-06 09:11:44

I agree with TraceyE,youre not whining,youre venting and this is so very much the place to do it,and get something out of it.
It is for most,myself included,so much to deal with.I knew nothing about pacemakers prior to my being told thats what I had to have done.I had a grandfather who had one,he was 92 yrs when he passed,and an uncle whp had one,he was in his early 80's when he passed,neither of them died from complications from the PMers.
I didnt get to get any education on things beforehand.Wish I had,just sucked it up,said ok,and waited for the surgery in the hospital.
Afterwards though,I came home,with only minimal information,and thought there had to be somewhere on the internet to learn and get support,and this is where I landed.
Thank goodness for finding this place,I know this is whats helped me get to where I am.Like I said earlier,not easy to put into words with family,because I think alot of things unless someone's gone thru or is going thru it,its really difficult to understand.
My mom's had breast cancer,and I know I cant understand how she's felt with it all,like she cant imaging the feelings Ive dealt with concerning having a PM.
Just consider yourself lucky to know what you need to do before things could get worse,I believe things happen for a reason,still that being said,Im not sure why this has happened to me,all I can think is there is a reason,maybe make me take a closer look at my life,be thankful for all I have,and take me down another road,maybe helping people in a way I hadnt thought I would do...........keeps things interesting!
Laura

so much good advice

by ohiolaura - 2012-11-06 11:11:17

I have to say I am in complete agreement with the posts of the wise one here,Donr,Tracey and gratefulheart.
I am a newbie sorta still I think,and have found so much positive information here I cant put it into words.
Im pushin 50,and had no prior issues with the HR going down the toilet.There was no yes or no in my book,it was this is whats happening and you need a pacemaker.
Thats when the bottom fell out.I totally can say Andicat I was in your shoes,completely.I am not now.
Between the advice Ive recieved here,and my determination,I am happy to say that I feel wonderful these days.It wasnt easy.Total anxiety issues,as well as healing withing the body,so many emotions and physical issues to deal with.But,if I can get thru it,so can you.
You will,trust me,not easy,but its do-able.
Im 4 months post PM surgery,1st timer,and can boast that I am in the process of painting my half bathroom,which I totally despise,such a pain to do,but I painted yesterday,and will finish it tomorrow,after work.And,I felt and feel like I used to while doing the work,so it is possible.To get back to normalcy.
I know in the back of my mind though that I am different than I used to be,and thereis sometimes still the little voice in my head that reminds me of that fact.
I as well as you,have so much to be apprecative for,medical strives are amazing,and because of that,we can and will live much longer with these issues than people did a long time back.
Stay on here,post when you need to,and above all,stay positive,and keep looking to the future.
Hard as it is to talk to your family about how you feel,cause I couldnt really,try.If you cant,post here,many will sit in as your surrogate family,to listen to you vent,and offer positive advice.
You will survive,I did.
Laura

Apology and thanks

by Andicat - 2012-11-06 11:11:23

Thank you guys for your support! I apologize if I came across as hosting a pity party. That wasn't my intent at all. I guess it's just the anger and the emotion all coming out at once and I"m working thru it all. And I want to say again that I AM so thankful for this technology and that they can fix it, and so thankful that I don't have to have open heart surgery. I know many do, and I can't imagine how terrifying that must be!

I am seeing an EP doc and he will be putting it in. And I am trying to educate my family, and take charge of this. I have learned more about pm's and heart anatomy and all this stuff in the past few months than I ever thought I would know. I'm trying to tell myself every day that I am stronger than I think and that there is a reason for all this and that it is going to be ok! This website is helping me to feel less alone. So thank you for the encouragement and again, and I'm sorry for whining about it. My prayer is that I myself and my experience can touch someone elses life in some small way...

Wheeeeeeeee!

by donr - 2012-11-06 12:11:34

Another "Emotional Roller Coaster!"

Andi - you are about the 15 millionth person to become a PM Host! You are NOT alone. There are over 18,000 of them right here in this club.

Guess what else - You are nowhere near near the first person who has had these emotional problems. Your class measures in the tens, no, hundreds of thousands who go through this.

Root around on the forum & you'll find a woman who used the EXACT same words to describe your situation in the last week or so - "Emotional Roller Coaster"!

Also - you are not alone in feeling alone - because you sense correctly - none of your family has the faintest clue what you face. Anything is easy for the person who doesn't have to do it or experience it.

So - your problem is very real, very serious, very scary & if you put your mind to it, very easy to cope with.

I'll tell you up front - Only YOU can solve your problems. I cannot do it for you, but I can give you some guidance on how to do it. Ditto for everyone else who writes you. The operational principle is "You cannot want something for someone else."

So, where do you start? You stop being alone!!! You grab the closest emotionally to you member of your family & shove YOUR post in their face & say "Here, read this. This is what I'm going through. I want YOUR help!" You did not say whether or not you are married, so I'll talk generalities. And then you tell them EXACTLY what you need - understanding; moral support, understanding; an available ear - all the things you have said you lack. Lay to them on them right on the line - everything you feel - a real memory dump. If they start talking, shush them! They OBVIOUSLY have not been aware of what has happened to you.

Next - Your heart has failed you. Pure & simple. You'd be better off w/ the family if you'd fallen to the floor in agony w/ a heart attack. They all understand that. they'd be slobbering over you w/ maudlin sympathy, visiting you in the hosp, offering you all sorts of help.

So, let's put this mess in proper perspective & you have to educate THEM, also. The electrical control system for you one & only heart has gone south on you. Guess what - just like the last TV set that went Pffffft! & quit. Exactly the same & you will NEVER learn the reason, They don't for TV sets, unless they get struck by lightning or someone spills a drink in the back of them. Please don't dwell on this issue - all you will do is drive yourself batty. This falls into the category of "No Answer." Drive that point home to the family.

Now the next issue - fixing you up is one Heck of a lot easier than fixing up someone whose heart plumbing system croaked. Take people w/ failed valves; clogged coronary arteries. etc. Look what they have to go through - miserable, long, complicated surgeries. You can be essentially repaired in one relatively straightforward procedure taking about an hour from portal to portal for you on the gurney through the OR doors.

Now for the hard part: You are just as susceptible to the post-op psychological issues as someone who has a major heart surgery, like a valve repair or a CABG.. Considering you current mental state, I'd say you have a pretty good chance of it - anxiety plays a major part & you clain to have it going in. That baggage will not get lost as you pass through the OR. This is not like Delta Airlines & a layover in Atlanta!

You have to face one obstacle at a time. The first is to successfully navigate the waiting time till your surgery & then the surgery. THEN & only then can you think about the post-op period. I could tell you all about that & you'd forget about it tomorrow! Face ONE PROBLEM at a time.

Now - FEAR!!!!! You are authorized to be afraid. After all, your heart failed you. That darned little thing is mortal, after all. You can do nothing about that. What's done is done. Period! Now to handle the solution - becoming host to a PM. You can become angry, resentful, anything you want - but it's gonna happen. The "Do Nothing" Option is NOT an option - unless, of course you want to live the rest of your life like it has been since you found out about the block.

How to conquer the fear? You tell those that need to know all about it. the family member you drag biting, kicking & scratching into helping you out. There is nothing wrong w/ fear. John Wayne supposedly said "Courage is being afraid, but saddling up and riding anyway!" So, sit down w/ your self & tell your self that you are going to go through it & every part of you has to cooperate. THEN: tell the surgeon; tell the anesthesiologist; tell the techs in the OR when they take you in. Tell them you need their help to get through this. To tell you everything they are going to do & explain it all to you as you go. Ya know - you will be the ten thousandth patient that tells them that & they will help you. You remain silent & they will & you will stew in your own anxiety juice while they work on you.

OK. sermon is over. We'll end by singing Hymn 100.

BTW: I was scared silly the first time I went through this. But I survived! (BTDT three times now. I'll be glad to help, but you have to do the work.) And so will you. But only if you take charge of your own fate & stop hosting a pity party for yourself!

Don

whining allowed!

by Tracey_E - 2012-11-06 12:11:42

We're all entitled to occasional pity party! Don't worry about it. You don't sound whiny to me at all, just new and scared.

Donr

by Grateful Heart - 2012-11-06 12:11:56

You're a good man!

You know you're wired when...

You’re a battery-operated lover.

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