Still Struggling

I've had the pacemaker now for a couple of months and I'm sorry to say I still haven't made peace with it. It still hurts and I scarred awfully. Its possible that I had a reaction to the disolvable stitches. Either way it looks awful and I'm not pleased. And if one more of my family members says "yeah you hate it but its keeping you alive and from passing out" I'm going to puke. I know it's good for me, I know it keeps me from passing out. But it's still something foreign in my body and it still something I have to deal with, cope with, and accept it for what it is. I'm really struggling. Any suggestions for making peace with my metal heart babysitter? Sorry I'm such a downer. Thanks for your continued support!

8 Comments

Similar issues..

by turboz24 - 2008-10-21 09:10:23

I have similar issues. I had my ICD implanted over a year ago and I still hate it. Yes, I know it has shocked me out of Vtach, which I would have had to go into the ER for, and yes, I know it's there to protect me, but...

It hurts often, it looks like crap, and it's constant presence annoys the crap out of me sometimes.

Frankly the only way I can deal with it is to avoid it as much as possible. I haven't seen myself shirtless in over a year and I probably will not for a long time. It has nothing to do with vanity, it's just a constant reminder that it's there, because you can't miss my hump.

I would say that it's gotten better over time. If I avoid it most of the time, I'm ok. It's only when I see it (and yes, you can see if through my shirt) that it sometimes really bugs me, or when it decides to stab me doesn't help either.

I don't know if that helps much, though......

Struggle is futile.

by ted - 2008-10-22 02:10:17

I hate the law of gravity. It restricts me from flying or leaping over buildings with a single bound. But, the law of gravity doesn't care what I think and I don't get to vote on it, so I either have to accept it or torture myself about something I am powerless over. When dealing with things I may not like, I remember the words of the Serenity Prayer:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Hang in there!

by Loopy Lou - 2008-10-22 05:10:31

Hello!

I have just had a quick look on your profile and see you are much younger than me. I am a busy 43 year old mum with 2 young kids. A routine check in July 08 showed an abnormally slow pulse rate and within 2 weeks had Gerry the Pacemaker implanted. SUCH A SHOCK! So I have had mine only 3 months. Surgery was not great as I have a big raised scar below my left collar bone where they tried to get the pm in but failed. So I have another scar on my right side where my pm is implanted! I hate scars!! I am very sqeemish! and the thought that I have 2 scars where you and others can see them took ages to get used to!

Right !! I am going to be positive for you here! because I needed positive vibes and not negative vibes when I first had mine. I am the sort of person who is bubbly, fun-loving and a bit crazy!! I like to wear pretty tops which also include vest tops and some with scoop neck lines- not tarty - just very nice! and yes, my 2 scars do show a bit. Sometimes you can see peoples eyes flicker over my scars and bump but now I don't care. Even if I was single I would simply think, well, if people are shallow enough to judge me for the way my chest looks then I am better off without having them in my life!! I acknowledge the scars when I shower, and when I massage Bio Oil into both scars twice a day. And Yes! I hate all of this. And Yes! I hate it when people say - 'Your'e alive, be thankfull'........ but it has happened to me and although I HATE the whole idea of a pm, I HATE the scars and the bumps where the leads are, I have decided to simply accept my situation. I have no choice.

I give myself 3 minutes per day 'down' time and if I feel so low that I need more time (!) I drop the guys on here a posting and they are all so fab and positive and usually bounce me back to my usual crazy self!!!

I am about to start volunteer work in the actual ward I was a patient!!! My way of saying thanks! plus they can keep an eye on me too!!

I am sorry but I felt that Turboz offered negative advice to you...... please don't avoid looking at your pm, it is now part of you. Don't get me wrong, I am not telling you to pull yourself together - I would be really cross with anyone that said that to me! I just want you to know that I know what you are going through and it is a long journey and we are all with you - just some of us in different places....

Do you massage the scar area twice daily like me? I hated doing it at first but now I do it when I clean my teeth so it has become a habit.

I love the way you call it your Metal Heart Baby-sitter!!! I hadn't even thought of that!!! Are you going to give your 'sitter' a name??!! Some of us on here have! Mine is called Gerry and it is ironic that my Doctor's name is also Gerry!!! No connection it was just named after Gerry and the Pacemakers - a group from way back!!

I would love to chat with you as you don't say that much about yourself !

Please remember we are all in the same position and we all have 'down' time that is why we all meet up and post messages on here. Please keep posting/emailing and don't feel you are alone. There are several people on here that have been amazing for me..... they know who they are as we stay in touch! They have all become very special in my life and are only an email away!

Goodness! I am waffling on here!!!

Hang in there! Please try and be strong, Get used to your little heart baby sitter and please email me to let me know how you are getting on!!

Love & Hugs, Loopy Lou xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

give it time

by Tracey_E - 2008-10-22 07:10:55

Don't be too hard on yourself. It takes longer for some to reach acceptance than others. I agree with Loopy Lou, ignoring it won't make it go away and just delays acceptance.

Something that put it into perspective for me- the same year I got my pm, two people I know- my age in their 20's- were diagnosed with cancer. One ultimately went into remission but only after a very long road that included a bone marrow transplant. The other did not make it and left behind two young sons. A pm may not have been my choice and obviously I'd rather have a healthy heart, but after watching them I felt fortunate to have something so easily fixed.

Ask your doctor for medical grade vitamin E for the scar.

deb3daughters, I sent you a private message

ted- SO well said!!!!!

from a newbie

by deb3daughters - 2008-10-22 12:10:04

hey still struggling
i just joined this club 5 minutes ago.
i can feel for you
i have had my pacemaker for almost a year and a half
my best advice is to become friends with the pm
i hated mine for a long time and it stressed me out.
please check the site brainsync.com for some lovely
self hypnosis tapes one called "attract love" is great
buy it and keep listening to it it will change your life
really -- it will help you.
i am looking for members who have third degree
heart block we are a special breed and i need to
talk to you all in the worst way!!

love to all of you
deb

Don't Let it bother you

by kat_liz_2011 - 2008-10-23 01:10:18

I am 16 and I had my device for 3 years. In the beginning I hated it because of the scar it was ugly and and it was always showing when i wore low shirts and your pups are your best thing lol!! But uh i hated it. But now I dont mind. I show off my scare as a battle I have won! You will not know who one the war until the end! But With it, it just may be the longest war you ever thought could happen! It took me bout 2 yrs to get to it! Yes it is new and scary but you will learn to work it and feel just as wonderful or (sexy) as you were before. Just keep looking forward and know in the future it will be completely better. I also had to get a second surgery 18 months after the first when i was 13 and it got infected! So imagine! If I could do it you can too.

me too

by blueangel1432 - 2008-10-30 11:10:05

its only been a few weeks for me but I hate this thing, I still think theres something not right with mine. I was ok'd to work out ( no arms etc) 8 slow minutes on an eliptical and Im dripping sweat and shaking with sharp pains in my chest...I could go an hour before ... my scar is ugly, I cant do anything, Im active ( i was), and young DAMNIT!! ( 29..is still young right?) I have a 6 yr old and no one to leave him to if something happens to me... Im angry and scared Sh&#less...anyway I understand, I am SOOO here for you if you need to vent, seems like non pacers dont get it at all. Im here for ya! blueangel1432@gmail.com

Scars

by kelsieb - 2008-11-01 11:11:44

Hi i am about 16 and so scaring was a big deal to me it streatched so it is very noticable. at first i was very self concious. but lateley i have used it to start up interesting conversations.... try to keep positive!
-kelsie

You know you're wired when...

The mortgage on your device is more than your house.

Member Quotes

I had a pacemaker when I was 11. I never once thought I wasn't a 'normal kid' nor was I ever treated differently because of it. I could do everything all my friends were doing; I just happened to have a battery attached to my heart to help it work.