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Help Please
All,
I need to know what has happened to me. It was a year ago I had this damed thing placed into my chest and in the past 5 months, I feel as though I have cheated something. My docs all say all is fine but male parts don't function, and I feel tired all of the time. I have verfy little patience for things that used to not bother me at all, but now all I want is to havve this thing out of me.
Have I lost me mind or what? I am greatful to god and science but it really sucks when you find that all of your friends are gone and you are stuck with a tinker toy in your chest. I have no more happiness in me, and I feel cold and seperated from the rest of the world.
Have I really become what I never wanted to be?
22 Comments
Re Myself
by gldoble - 2008-05-25 10:05:36
It's quite apparent that Since I recieved no cmments, or helpful thoughts that I truely am alone. And thats ok it will all end soon enough
What the heck
by hotform - 2008-05-25 11:05:03
Just because someone didn't instantly respond to your posting doesn't mean no one cares.
You my friend need to talk to a professional about how you feel however. Your way too full of depression and self pity over your situation.
Talk to a professional who can help you work through your problems and help you to feel better about your situation and yourself.
A note from a total stranger like myself is not going to make you feel a whole lot better. Rick
i hear you
by elfinbee - 2008-05-25 11:05:04
hello,
i basically agree with sharon that you are probably going through a depression. i am new here, and also new to having a pacemaker. but i dont feel like i cheated anyone or anything. i am very grateful for it. some days when i am short of breath or in alot of pain, i do wish it would had ended instead. but only for a lil while, than i am glad to be here too.
please see your doctor for this.
helen
Just a thought...
by ela-girl - 2008-05-25 11:05:28
Hey, gldoble.
Just a thought...are you on any meds? You say that "your male parts don't function" and that "I feel tired all the time". What meds are you on? Are you on a beta-blocker? That was my first thought because beta-blockers are nasty little meds that could add to your fatigue factor and male parts malfunctioning (that's why they say these meds can suck for guys). If you are on a beta-blocker or other meds that could cause these problems, have you spoken to your doctor specifically about these meds and trying others? Sometimes it can all be a matter of trial and error...
ela-girl
glgloble
by jessie - 2008-05-25 11:05:33
hello, i see and remember you live in california. so you have the nice weather.you also have so much beauty. i was there many years ago for a week. my husband was on a course and we stayed in a lovely hotel across from a very expensive mall in orange county. i was awed by all this. i need to say that i think you are most likely depressed.i also think you need to talk about your difficulties as this happens more often than we think in men.you are in need of help sir. please speak to your family doctor. life is not meant to be always easy. try to reach out and you may be surprized. please listen to what is being said. your pacing friend jess
yes
by jessie - 2008-05-26 01:05:04
you are right. life can be hard but there is always someone worse off. it is really important to realize you need help and accept that and reach out to get the help. your wife and children will be devestated and alone to carry on. you sound very depressed and like sharon says her cliff was very depressed. my husband has some health problems that others have suicided over. sometimes life is just not easy. grab on hold on and find a way to hang on . seek help first of all starting with your family doctor. we are all here for you but first you need professional help. jess
Get On With Your Life
by SMITTY - 2008-05-26 01:05:37
When I read your posting about 4 hours after you posted it the thought went through my mind that I could have written a lot of that. I have traveled over a lot of the world and spent weeks on end in places where I never talked about anything other than business. I had no outside of work conversations with anyone.
A lot of my overseas time was spent in the Middle East in countries where it was difficult to even find a restaurant with food that I could readily identify. No clubs, pubs or anything for recreation. Things would get rather bleak some times but I never contemplated checking out.. To me that is permanentt solution to a temporary problem. While it may solve your problems just think of the problems it will leave for your loved ones.
I might add I got my pacemaker in 2000 at age 71. It, medications and other health problems have altered my life style considerably, but none of them have been anything I can't handle.
Go see you doctor because your medical problems can be solved! If your current doctor cant solve them, find yourself another doctor before you selflessly do something that will hurt a lot of people.
Smitty
Friends ARE here
by Shirley - 2008-05-26 02:05:25
It hurts to feel your pain. But you say, your friends are all gone. Have you read all the comments from the wonderful friends here on Pacemaker Club that are also feeling your pain and offering you suppport, suggestions and ideas to help you through this low time. I am newly paced and have felt many ups and downs but as my daughter would say, "How dare you not look at the bright side of things - the 2nd chance you have been given" I know your children will want you around to share in their life events. Maybe they need to hear from you that Dad needs some special hugs.
For some reason, it does appear that men go through a greater depression after bypass or any heart surgery. Us women are not so specific. We can become depressed over a lot of different things. I hope you find the strength to get some professional help. If the 1st Dr. doesn't help or is not a good fit for you then move right along to a 2nd or 3rd one until you find the right person with whom you can relate. Also finding the right medication for you. And perhaps, a change of career is in order. You say you can not afford to retire. Perhaps downsizing is an option. Selling off what you can and living a simpler life with a job that would not require so much travelling. My husband travelled a lot all through his career and it was very hard on myself and the children.
In any case, no matter how much we try to tell you to get help, it is ultimately up to you to find the strength and the desire to do so. If not for yourself at this point then for your family. Later, you will be so glad that you did as you learn to find those things in life that will bring you hapiness again.
I do hope you hear and feel all the good wishes being sent your way and get some help.
i agree
by jessie - 2008-05-26 02:05:38
my husband travelled all over the world and i did too when i could. it was hard at times but the rewards were great. i agree men suffer after bi-pass and p.m. and defib but so do women. it is a life changing event. i think that if the travelling is too hard then change it. you don't have to live up to the jones'smy brotehr is a lawyer and ahsn't enjoyed a day in his life. who's fault is that? so look at the good and remember we all have good and bad in our lives. it is what you do with it that counts. i think making the most out of what we do have is important.so take a good look around you jess
Male parts
by ted - 2008-05-26 03:05:07
I know a number of women who are very greatful that their husbands' "male parts" are no longer working. Now they can move on to dealing with the things in life that really matter.
Thanks, Ted!
by auntiesamm - 2008-05-26 03:05:29
Ted, the voice of reason, has put things in the proper perspective. Thanks you.
Sharon
Friends gone?
by auntiesamm - 2008-05-26 03:05:33
My question is about your friends being gone. Did you mean they have all died? Were they much older than you? Or, do you feel your friends have left you because you now have a pacemaker? I don't quite understand your comment. Please explain for us.
In the 80s & 90s I had a job that required a lot of travel so I understand your frustration and fatigue. Those long, long days and waking up in a different hotel 2 or 3 times a week wreak havoc on our bodies and our minds. Some mornings I woke up not even knowing where I was until I saw the hotel name on something! Is it possible there is another position within your company that requires less or no travel? Maybe you need to explore the possibility. Have you given this thought? You and your family could really benefit from a job change and more of your time at home. I pray for you to get all this sorted out so you can once again enjoy life and especially your children. One last question: did you experience depression before your pacemaker? I will continue to pray for you and your family. This has to be hard for them, too, seeing you in such a state.. God bless you all.
Sharon
Gldoble
by richan - 2008-05-26 04:05:04
Hi Gldoble,
I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with what sounds like extreme depression and your new PM. I can't add to all the suggestions given to you from other members. I have had my PM since March of 2005 and I still have a hard time "accepting" this thing in my chest. I guess I don't like being totally dependent on a piece of technology.
You have negated everything that has been suggested by others. It seems like nothing will change you mind.
I do hope that you will seek help. You really are not alone.
Richan
Hi Gldoble
by bini - 2008-05-26 05:05:14
Please don't say you are checking out, your children need you! Please seek medical help for your depression. After my PM was placed I got very depressed, and felt alone too...it got too the point where I didn't want to do much at all. But then I started seeking help through a psych and I am doing much better now. I don't even need any meds anymore.
You are not alone, we are here for you...this group is here for you!!!!!
I agree with Sharon, maybe it might help you if you could work for a company that does not make you travel...that way you could spend more time with your family.
Please keep in touch, I will be praying for you,
Christine
Meet my Friend,Greg...
by pacepal - 2008-05-26 08:05:54
Good Morning, Greg
I am a little "old" and "slow", but...just read your post.
I took the liberty to "lift" the following words of comfort & inspiration I received in times of need...
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"We all have been given a great gift of time. No matter what your belief or your creed. You have been given time to look at the clouds, to look at the grass or the weeds grow. To see the the world as it should be. And not for what it just throws at you. Enjoy that cup of coffee a little more. And enjoy the sounds of the world around you. Becuase if it weren't for our friend the Energizer Bunny we wouldn't be here. And no matter how bad everyting seems or is, there is always hope."
*****************************************
"Being alive means living and living means taking it -ALL- in. Enjoying the simple fact that yuo can be hppy, angry sad or joyfull. It is much better than the alternitive"
******************************************
"What I have found is that without these little gems we wouldn't be here. We have been graced by science and engineering and we owe a great thanks to all that have made our extended lives possible. I will be able to spend more Christmas's with my kids and friends. I will be able to enjoy the smiles that the holidays bring and the tears of lost ones. But I am here to enjoy them, both happy and sad."
******************************************
"So my Christmas wish to all of you who are here, is to be happy with your lives. Enjoy the gift that has been given to you a second time. Smile and extend a warm hand to those who need and an ear to those that hurt."
*******************************************
These words came to all of us here at the Club, from a very positive....caring...compassionate fellow pacer. I think you know this person I refer to...after reading his words you will probably even recognize him: I hope you do....he is such a special person to so many who care for him.
When I read his messages of encouragement, I copied and printed them to have available for myself ro re-read when I was feeling down & frustrated.
I hope you,too, will find some comfort & inspiration from his words......
Thank You, Greg....I'll be looking for you around the corner for many years to come.
LuvNprayers4u....Karen
I understand
by pace50 - 2008-05-26 09:05:42
I understand a lot of what you are feeling- I am 50 and had to have a PM implanted without any prior warning and other than the terrific folks here, few people comprehend what what a drastic mind bending event that can be- both positive and negative. I also know what a bottomless black hole depression is and no matter how many well meaning people who truly care about you tell you things will get better and there are ways to get help, it's hard to bellieve it when the pit of that hole is so encompassing. The truth is, you are not alone- others have been there and have made it back. While much of the issues with depression are tangled up emotions of anger, sadness and uncertainity, I am convinced another part of the formula is the re-balancing of chemicals in the brain such as serotonin which transmits signals between the neurons. This chemical imbalance is a physical condition and does require treatment that may include drug therapy for a prescribed period of time. No amount of talking, therapy or denial, in my opinion, will work on this chemical imbalance, which is probably why Sharon's husband responded so well to Lexapro. Welbutrin worked for me, with little "side effects"
It's true you can't change where you live, where you work or that you have a tinker toy in your chest. What has changed is that you have found a bunch of people right here alot like you who do care and understand like most other cannot and can help you consider another point of view. It still really sucks to have to rely on a device for your heart to beat decently, but it sucks even more to think you are alone- which you are not-
Take Care
Yes I do
by hotform - 2008-05-26 10:05:28
Yes I do have an idea how depressed you are as most of us who have been implanted have gone through the same thing.
Your depression has lasted much longer than it should however and you need to start finding some positive things in life instead of focusing on everything in your life that sucks. You truly sound like someone who wants their life to end.
For crying out loud, go see a professional. It very well may be a problem with something you take. That's why you need to see a doctor. Probably two, one for your mental health, and one for your physical health.
Your so impatient and screwed up that when you didn't get an answer to your original post in a ten minute period, you thought no one cared. As if the whole world was stopping everything they were doing to read your post and then ignore it.
Believe me when I say this, there are people close to you that do care about you. Your definitely not the first person here to feel depressed over their situation. You wouldn't be the first person here to talk to a mental health professional either. It's normal to feel this way and a lot of people seek out help.
Don't let a stigma with mental health professionals keep you from going, there are a lot of good ones out there. I was lucky enough to have one in my family when this all happened to me. You have to decide when the pity party is going to be over, pick yourself up by the boot straps and get the help you need. Rick
Details...
by jimkirschvink - 2008-05-26 12:05:00
How old are you, and what was the condition that needed the pacer? I had the same problem with "male parts" but they dissapeared ( the problems, not the parts) after I healed up and go back in to shape. You will need to get some exercise when you can, and clean up your vessels!
Medications are a huge factor, but there is an adjustment period. ALL of us have been bummed out, but you will get over it. Be strong, life is worth every minute. Think of all the eggs and spermies that didn't make it as far as you have!
Thank You
by gldoble - 2008-05-26 12:05:17
All,
THank you for listening to someone that has hit bottom. Rick, you have no idea. Ella, you are probably right about the beta blockers, but I'm stuck with what I've got. I travel to much and am away from the family to much. I'm 51 with an IDCPm 3 wire. Docs want me to retire, but can't aford that. Kids r 2 young.
Yes I am very depresed and no I'm not taking any more meds. Its bad enough the way things are. Last week was my b-day, and the same day I found out that the last of the friends I had grown up with had died. All too young.
It is very, very difficult to carry on, docs aren't shirks and all shrinks want you to do is realize whats bothering you and over come them. But there are some things that just can't be overcome. Southern Calfi, anit that nice especailly when you have small kids and a tank of gas in a little car costs you $50-.
There is no beauty here, only a lot of people who really don't care if you come or go.
Folks in the last year I have traveld -A LOT- for my job
and it is wearing. But what I have found is that no matter where I go or how well I treat others I am appart and alone. I speak 5 differnet languages and try very hard to treat everyone the way I want to be treaed, But..
As we used to say a long time ago SH...and the 3 facts
of life remain.
So thank you for input, I think I will be checking out this week, becuase I am very tired of all of this.
God bless all of you
PLEASE listen to the folks above.
by janetinak - 2008-05-26 12:05:59
You do sound very down & need to see someone like now. What about going to an ER or calling a Hotline to talk to someone. Think about what your wife & kids will be facing without you. Please re-consider.
Thinking of you,
Janet
re;gldoble
by seeker581 - 2008-07-25 09:07:23
You are not losing your mind.It takes a lot of readjusting too the new circumstances.I've had my pm just over a year now.You just have too be patient with yourself.Realize these feelings are perfectly normal and do not last forever.Take care of yourself.
seeker581
You know you're wired when...
You have a shocking personality.
Member Quotes
In fact after the final "tweaks" of my pacemaker programming at the one year check up it is working so well that I forget I have it.
You aren't alone!
by auntiesamm - 2008-05-25 10:05:31
This is the first time I have checked in for a few days. You are not alone; maybe a lot of our friends are away from the weekend since it is a holiday. But, my friend, I am hear and I care about what you are going through. Have you discussed this with your doctor? From what you have stated I think you are deeply depressed. I say this because m y husband, age 77, is suffering from very severe emphysema, is on oxygen 24/7 and last summer was very ill. He became extremely depressed and became a different person than the family knew! His physician started him on Lexapro and within about 10 days we saw changes take place. It has made all the difference in his outlook on life and his relationships. I'm not one for taking a pill for every little thing that goes wrong but in his case it truly worked! Please have a talk with your doctor, your minister, best friend or someone who can be your sounding board. I will be praying for you to find joy in living once again. I have had my pacemaker exactly 2 years and I am so grateful to God for this little high-tech instrument that keeps me going. If you answer this post I will write back to you again. Take care and God bless.
Sharon (So Calif.)