I feel 50:50 about my new ICD

Traumatised

by Mapleshaz - 2017-11-27 02:17:39

My dear girl, if you had experienced only one of those life changing events, you would be showing signs of post trauma but to have had so much to take in and process in such a short time frame,  it is little wonder you are feeling....50/50?... “a BIT shellshocked? I’m impressed!

Also, you are dealing with the emotional responses from your very level headed girls, your parents, your partner. And now, in the back of your mind....dealing with how you will cope when your loving parents leave for home.

You need time to accept and understand what has happened. You need time to process each event, almost individually. You need to be kind to yourself. And you need help from your friends too. They will help with practical chores and distract you and make you laugh and allow you to cry.

When you read my profile, you will see that I needed 18 months to adjust.....and this was BEFORE I received my CRT-D! 

Mine doesn’t make a noise or vibrate or let me know it’s working (it was implanted prophylactically)  so I can not comment on that aspect of your post but others will step up to the mark and come up trumps.

Are your Consultant Cardiologist and Arrhythmia nurse aware of your anxieties? Are you able to seek a second opinion? I know that Ireland’s health system differs from the UK and depends a lot on private health insurance (am I correct?)

You have come to the right place for support. As a group, we have pretty much had experience of most events.

I wish you and your girls all the best for the future.

Sending big sqwadgy hugs from South West England. 🤗 ❤️

You have been through a lot!

by LondonAndy - 2017-11-27 03:33:51

I can't comment directly as I don't have an ICD, but to have needed a 6 week stay in hospital for all that has happened demonstrates a seriously traumatic time in your life, and it is no wonder you feel as you do.  When I had open heart surgery for a replacement valve, which then resulted in my pacemaker being inserted because of surgical complications, I was "only" in hospital less than 4 weeks!

As Mapleshaz says, it will take time to adjust, and life will feel better.  It is good that you see your ICD as your friend - I see many posts here where people are struggling to come to terms with needing a cardiac device, and anxiety can be a serious condition in its own right.

But it is important to be properly supported during this transition.  It is good to hear of the support you have around you, but if your parents are having to leave then I wonder if you should ask your partner to move in for a while whilst you continue your recovery?  Be open with your family about your feelings, and it is only slightly in jest that I suggest you consider a sign on the door that your daughters will see when they come home from school such as "go easy on mum!" and look forward to the day you can tear it down!

Thankyou for your comments....C

by Zoë - 2017-11-27 19:21:25

@Robin1: Thankyou for welcoming me to the group, already I'm finding it comforting joining ye all here.

@Mapleshaz: Thankyou for your kind, supportive words.  You touched on coping with the emotional responses from loved ones and your right, that the thought of my parents leaving (tomorrow!!!), 4 days after I was discharged from hospital is on my mind, to say the very least!! Dad explained my mum is exhausted, having minded my girls and ran my home for the past 6weeks, and he needs to get her home.  Of course I entertained the idea as I don't want to make them feel they HAVE to stay any longer as its obvious they want to go home.  However, I'm absolutely terrified of being alone and dealing with the anxiety that my device is causing me at the moment.  When I don't feel it pace, I'm ok and can 'manage', but when I feel it start to give those jolt sensations I become so nervous and frightened anticipating the next one that my palms actually start to sweat and I've found myself starting to fidget badly trying to distract myself.  It really upsets me and I'm finding really hard to over come....whilst it's not nice to know it took you 18mth to adjust before getting your CRT-D, it is reassuring though to know that it is common/normal that so many here felt or feel this way about getting, and having, a cardiac intervention and/or device....

Youre right that the Irish health system relies on private healthcare (as well as government budgets) for funding but Ireland's health system is not "free" like the UK. I mean that as in every G.P visit, prescription, hospital admission etc.. has a fee. However, when it comes to seeing a specialist and getting treatment here, it makes no difference if you are public or private, you are seen in accordance to priority - which is a good thing!  And I must say, the care I recieved from both my cardiac and stroke team here was second to none.

I will be able to explain my anxieties to my G.P tomorrow as I've asked my parents to stay around long enough to get me to the doctors and back lol (I can't drive, on medical advice, for next 6months...thank god I live in well equipped town and the girls can now walk to school!!). I'm also seeing my cardiac specialists back In Dublin next week for check up so I shall stress all my concerns with them then and ask, again, if they can "turn down" my device settings?...

@LondonAndy: Thankyou for your reply.  Open heart surgery must have been a massive life changing experience for you to get your head around and I hope you are doing well now?

That is a good suggestion that I ask my partner to move in.  Funnily enough though, we are in the process of getting a mortgage but for the time being he lives in the next city but spends all his free time with us. As for having friends, I'm a loner at heart & don't have any to call on as such. I must say though, that the girls schools have been absolutely fantastic and so supportive and helpful.  There's a great community spirit in Ireland and once my girls are coping then that's my main priority right now.  My biggest problem right now is just mentally absorbing what has happened and trying to accept that my device is here to help, not hinder, me.  It's very hard, if not impossible, to be open with my family about my feelings when I already feel such a burden on them and that they so desperately want to get back home....  You made me laugh though with your suggestion of a "go easy on mum" door sign for the kids though as I think they need one saying "go easy on me mum" for them!!! They've been so courageous and strong through all of this and I'm so incredibly proud of them.

Many thanks again to all of you for taking the time to post a comment here. I do find it a great source of reassurance.