Sad

I am going on my 3rd day after my ICD implantation. I feel, broken and damaged. I feel like I will never be normal again. I can't even cry. I am breathing better than I had been, I know that is a good thing logically, but... at night the pain seems more intense for some reason. And my heart is is doing little series of beating hard, it can be seen thru my tee shirt. I am so tired of everything. The only reason I can post this, is because I have a notebook and it's really small.

9 Comments

So Thankful

by elle415 - 2012-05-11 01:05:05

Thank you guys SO much for your kind words. People here really seem to understand perfectly. Nobody here goes "There,there..." you understand, and that means to much more than just words. People here understand the physical and EMOTIONAL pain. I thank you so much for taking the time to give me some comfort. I just cried, not because I was in pain...this time I cried because I felt genuinely cared for and 'normal' with you guys...I feel blessed.

Thank You, again----
Elle

Hang in there

by fishfighter - 2012-05-11 07:05:11

We all went thru this at one time or another. It is a normal phase of healing. In time it will pass. Just look at it this way. You now have some insurance to help you live longer. That is what that PM is to all of us. Without it, God could call you home sooner then later. You will have to learn that the PM is your new friend. It will make you feel better as the doctors have it adjusted.

So, cry if you need to, we all did at one time or another.

Paul

:-) you have friends

by pacergirl - 2012-05-11 10:05:50

You are not alone. I went through this as well after my 1st pacemaker implant. I am on my 2nd PM now and mostly feeling great!

Many people go through this, some don't, but many do. So please give yourself time to heal both physically and emotionally. It takes time so please be patient with yourself.

You have friends here that have been through what you are going through. I repeat... you are not alone. :)

Pacergirl

normal!

by Tracey_E - 2012-05-11 10:05:54

This is all perfectly normal! Vent here and keep telling yourself it's temporary. You'll be feeling better in no time. Most feel a lot better by the end of the first week or two, fully themselves in 4-6 weeks.

Caring

by elle415 - 2012-05-12 08:05:43

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post Pacergirl. I was feeling quite low when I posted. And I was feeling alone and weepy. I do feel like the people here are 'friends'. The support from this group is warm and caring,and has become very important to me. I am glad I found this site, and I'm so glad you are doing well.

Elle

Other Feelings Too

by Many Blessings - 2012-05-13 02:05:38

Hi Elle415,

Be prepared for some new feelings that may come along the way too. I'm new here too (3 weeks post PM) and so far have gone through the "This isn't too bad", "I'm furious at myself for getting this", "What have I done", "Im scared", "I'm mad", "I'm sad", "I'm anxious", "I want this out!" etc. stage. They come and go without warning, which is the scary thing about it. I've never had this before, ever.

I don't know what it is about getting a device that does this to us. We've almost all gone through numerous heart surgeries, procedures, etc., without this ever happening, then we get a PM, ICD, or CRT-P device and boom, here come the weird feelings and body sensations.

Sometimes I wonder if it's the meds we received in the hospital or maybe a pain med they sent home with us that makes the sadness, depression, and anxiety even worse. Or, something during the procedure itself that sets it off. I'm not sure. But, there is something.

Just remember, everyone here understands! All of us are either going through this with you right now, or have already been there at one time. I pray it goes away for all of us going through it. The ones that have been here a long time all say it will, so we have to trust them.

Hang in there. Keep posting your questions and concerns, people will answer. If it helps, I've done that with all of my fears, questions, and concerns, and each time people have responded that they too had this or that. Not once did anyone ever say it wasn't normal. Whew!

So keep the faith. You're going to get through this. Not sure how long it will take (most say about 6 weeks), but you'll get there! One day we'll be on this site and look at some newer posts and think "OMG, I remember when I USED to have that" and realize we made it!

Blessings and prayers for you!







Hi Elle...

by Tattoo Man - 2012-05-13 04:05:51

.....you have a really supportive crowd here to give advice.

You seem to have had a very active life..one that doubtless was very organised.

One way of getting some control over your new Metal Mate is to keep an ICD Diary. Write up how you have felt over the last three days and the make notes either on a daily basis or whenever you have something to day.
Try a Feel Good score, out of ten each day.

Nothing will happen suddenly but over time you will be able to look back and see how far you have come in terms of acceptance and feeling happier with 'MM'

I did this before, during and after open heart surgery for a new valve. I look back and read my own words sometimes and look at the drawings I did in hospital.

As Many Blessings has said you will look back and say..."OMG was that really me !!"

Take care Elle .it'll be ok.

Tattoo Man

elle..

by Tattoo Man - 2012-05-13 05:05:37

...sometimes this Forum is just an excuse to take the "proverbial" out of some smart-ass...and boy..is that fun !

The best bits are, for me, when you do genuinely feel a connection and have the sense of being usefull.

PM Club is so all embracing...and that is , maybe its main role. When you, and anybody else needs support, you sure can rely on this collective of lovely dear people / wackos / jokers/ real people to do just that. A great big Global Embrace.

Youre safe

Tattoo Man

ps does anyone know how ' l wiliams from the UK got on, ...he was scheduled for a PM today.

It has been a beautiful day here in the UK..as Simon and Garfunkel sang.."Michigan seems like a dream to me now"..Elle.you take care ..TM

All the same

by elle415 - 2012-05-13 07:05:16

Me too Tammy! I have felt all those things! I've also had a lot of other surgery. Hip replacement, part of my right lung removed etc; but never felt this way. It sure is odd. Men, women, older folks, young...seem to all go through these odd feelings and emotions.

Tattoo Man. You got me so right! I've always been organized and strong, and this makes me feel like I have no control over myself, my life, what's going on with me. An ICD journal is a good idea! I can vent and express my fears, anger, confusion. I'll probably write and then look back and laugh, thinking "Boy, I was a mess, good grief"! Thank you all.

This group makes me feel cared about. It really does. I look forward to logging on everyday, and have come to need everyone here. I've never been a part of a support group. I thought "I can handle anything that comes my way" But, I can't....I felt fearful of mortality, like I was falling. This is my safe place. I feel very blessed. This little computer in my chest helps me live. I hope I can give back, when I'm well again.

Elle

You know you're wired when...

You forecast electrical storms better than the weather network.

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