Angry

I am a 20 year old about to receive a defibrillator two weeks before my 21st birthday. I am in college and will be receiving it on my spring break. I am well rehearsed in the benefits it will provide and how unavoidable this is, but I can't help but be angry at the situation I find myself in. My brother has one and he is 23. I was hoping I would be able to at least make it to that age. I don't know how to cope with this. I don't want sympathy. I am just angry.

9 Comments

Venting

by markjbaker - 2009-02-08 05:02:06

I feel pretty angry about what happened to me. I Had an out of hospital SCD and was saved by CPR from strangers. I was 45. I'm very grateful I'm still alive. I came very, very close to not making it, but I'm not happy it happened.

I begged the doc to fit me with an ICD, as I was worried it would happen again. There are a lot of feeling let loose on you by having an ICD. You've made a good start coming on here and venting - I find it helps.

All the best.

Give it time. You'll get over it.

by ted - 2009-02-08 05:02:49

I don't think that any of us woke up one day and said "Gee, I think that I'd like to have a pacenaker or an ICD." We had no choice (except to risk dying). I don't like the law of gravity. I wish that I could fly, but on some things in life, I don't get to vote and I must accept what is. Anger is like acid. It eats up the container first. Please don't self-destruct and give yourself time to heal and appreciate that you have been given a new lease on life. I know that you will be just fine and that you will be able to share your experience, strength and hope with those who come after you. Best of luck.

heyyyyyyyy

by pacergirl - 2009-02-08 08:02:02

I understand completely. Boy oh boy, was I ever angry that my body would let me down! I was in great shape, my life was in the fast lane to a great career and I finally had the children raised and on their own. Then BAM! My life changed. I remember thinking that no one asked me if I wanted a change and yet there I was. So it took me awhile to get used to the idea. I stomped around my house saying some very bad words one day... it certainly helped me!
I gradually have to where I am today. Doing ok for now. Happy for the most part. I am older than you are by a lot, but i don't think I was any less angry.
Best of luck to you.... There are a lot of young people here as well as us who are not.
Take care, stay in touch.
Pacergirl

Welcome!

by tcrabtree85 - 2009-02-08 10:02:13

Hi I wanted to make sure I welcomed you personally. I have been really bad at doing that lately. I am 23 and got my first pm at 21. Please know that you have every right to complain and if somebody doesn't want to listen to you complain I am always a open ear. It is hard and a little different for a younger person to have to have a pm.
I also want to let you know a lot of people older than me have helped me face 5 heart surgeries in less than 2 years. Your surgery will go fine. The nice thing is you do have a family member to help you through the process. I really hope you will look to your brother for help share your frustrations.
Don't be scared but if you are that is normal but please share those feelings. Hit me up in a private message anytime.

Take care!
Tammy

Tammy :-)

by pacergirl - 2009-02-08 10:02:27

I have always said that you ROCK! Fantastic advice! I was just saying there are some great people here.
he he.... I am glad to see you out. Hope you are feeling well.

love, Pacergirl

Thank you

by Spartan21 - 2009-02-09 02:02:49

Thank you all for your kind messages. I think I just needed to hear it is OK to be upset. Everyone I have talked to has told me to be grateful, and I am. I just am mourning history repeating itself. My Mom had this heart condition and passed at 42. I am determined to make it longer. I sincerely thank you for your support and a safe place to vent.

anger, and then some

by Tracey_E - 2009-02-09 04:02:22

Of course it's ok to be upset!!! I'd be real worried about you if you were taking it in stride. Fear of history repeating itself and you've got to be still mourning the loss of your mom- that's a whole lot for anyone to handle without facing spending your birthday and spring break recuperating from surgery. It's a raw deal.

Remind yourself that the reason you are getting this is so history does NOT repeat itself. Technology is amazing and it just gets better every year. If I'd been born the year my mother was born, I would have died one day in May when I was 27. I got a pacemaker instead- came home, recovered and went on to live a perfectly ordinary, healthy life. Who knows what they've come up with in the last few years, and what they'll continue to come up with by the time you're 42. (my age now, btw)

We've got a lot of ears and shoulders around here and we come from all walks of life and experiences. Use us as you need, k?

anger

by Tracey_E - 2009-02-09 06:02:57

Is there any way you can wait until summer break so it doesn't kill spring break and interfere with your birthday? The timing really sucks.

You've got every right to your anger. We're more likely to hand out empathy here than sympathy because we've all been in similar situations. None of us wanted these things! It takes time to adjust and see it as a lifesaver rather than something awful. It's up to you, but letting go of the anger is the first step to healing and moving on with your life. Vent here all you like, whatever it takes to get you through it.

Craig, we are NOT all adults here. We have a handful of kids who post. My 12 yr old is sitting next to me, reading this over my shoulder. Thanks.

anger

by rkuba - 2009-02-09 10:02:09

I'm sorry you are so angry. I'm sure it is very hard especially at your age. I have a 12 year old son that had an emergency pacemaker put in 3 months ago. All I can say is as horrible as it was and as angry as he was spending time at Children's hospital of Philly and the Ronald McDonald House made myself and my son very greatful. His problem is managable. Some of these other children's stories are unimaginable. So take a little time and be angry, vent... but eventually pick yourself up and be greatful and the device was invented and you can do most of what you would have done anyway. Good luck to you.

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