Only 7 days to go help!

Hi Allan (41)
from Edinburgh Scotland here.

been having really heavy thoughts lately.I know it is vital to everybody in this club to encourage each other and i have felt helped by what i have read.I just feel sad that I am coming to the end of my hearts natural existence before pace maker implantation next wedensday.It makes me wonder if i will ever feel natural again.Can you truly ever forget about your pace makers presence?.

I dont think anyone can truly get there head around how huge it is to have something inside your body so controling .As nothing to me seems so personal has your heart beat.Only you guys can understand these thoughts because i am sure you have had them.

I guess i need to tell myself what is the the alternative half a life.
And also to regard my heart as still the core of my world and that it is my heart that keeps me alive not my pace maker that just assists it in its rythmn not it muscular strength.

I really dont want this whole situation to dominate my thoughts and i dont want to be scared or live in fear of it going wrong i guess the best thing to happen for me is to meet someone to talk to face to face who has a pacemaker that is why everyone on here feels this unique bond with each other.
Sorry to air all these thoughts but i just have to get them out of my system
kind regards to all allan

11 Comments

You will forget.

by bowlrbob - 2007-10-02 09:10:50

Allan, I know it is hard for you now but you will forget about the pacer for the most part. I felt the same way at first. Mine was done on an emergency basis so i did not have the time to dwell on things. But after I just wanted to go back a week before the emergency. I felt like I was being picked on you know why me. I didn't deserve this. Well now i feel the same way I didn't deserve this, this blessing in a small package. I feel almost 100% normal now it has taken 2 years but without it i most likely would not have had 2 days. So you will learn to love it and take it the right way. Just remember you now get to start a new life it's like being reborn. Use this extra time to get things right that maybe were wrong before. That's what I'm doing and it has been great fun and a blessing. Bowlrbob

The best is yet to come!

by ela-girl - 2007-10-02 10:10:18

Hi, Allan!

I just want to echo what Bowlrbob and Michelle have already said. It takes time, but you will forget that your pacemaker is even there. If it's doing it's job the way it should, it will be a nice little comfort tucked away in your chest doing it's own thing and allowing you the best life possible. I can only imagine all the thoughts you are having--like Bowlrbob, I had my pm implanted via emergency surgery, too. That was nice because I didn't have time to dwell on things. On October 12th, it will be my 1 year birthday with my pm, and I'm still processing some things of my own because I didn't have time before. It all just happened. But I celebrate my pm every day because every day is a day I wouldn't have had otherwise. And like the'ol cliche says, you're getting a new lease on life! I'm proud to be a member of an elite group of battery-operated people!

It's good to air your thoughts and concerns and joys, too, so don't worry about that. The people here truly understand! We've been there and truly care!

Keep us posted-
ela-girl

It is normal

by hooimom - 2007-10-02 10:10:22

Allan,

What you are feeling is totally normal. Many of us "mourned" the loss of our previously healthy lives. A heart beat is just something that we take for granted. At 42 years of age I certainly didn't expect to hear that I needed a pacemaker. I cried the entire 3 weeks that I was waiting for all the final test results and procedure. I was scared, sad and unsure of what life would be like. I was assuming that it would change me somehow.

The first few weeks after my pacemaker were not happy ones for me. It was a difficult adjustment with physical pain and emotional stress. I was in fear that something would go wrong with a lead and I would need another surgery. I was worried that my heart was skipping beats again. I lived in fear for a few weeks until I learned to trust this device. I have had mine for almost 15 months now and I feel "normal". I have pain in my shoulder sometimes but other than that I am living a normal life.

I know it is hard to believe, but there will come a day when you don't even think about your pacemaker. It becomes a part of your body just like any other part. It takes a while to get to that point, but it will come.

Yes, a pacemaker is much better that living only half a life. For most of us, there is no alternative. Your heart is still your own. My heart beat is more "natural" with a pacemaker. I don't have dangerous pauses that cause terrible symptoms. It is natural to live the healthiest, happiest life possible. At least that is the way I have chosen to look at my pacemaker.

Don't be sorry to air your feelings. You are wise to voice your concerns. That is the only way you will get the support and answers you need. Feel free to ask or say anything you are feeling! This is the only place that a lot of us feel truly understood.

Let us know how you are doing!
Michelle

Good luck

by joyce22 - 2007-10-02 11:10:55

Allan- I also went thru a tough time emotionally- definitely mourned the loss of who I thought I was. You WILL get to the point where u don't even think about it being inside your chest- although this isn't to say that u will never be aware of it- there are always some concerns and things u need to watch out for- but good luck and let us know how u are doing. Joyce

Allan and you're 41

by gldoble - 2007-10-02 11:10:59

Not to be crass, but anyone that is here has gotten their minds and heads around this problem. Yes its frightening and yes what about this and what about that.

However.....Steve golfs, along with many others. There are are also a lot of weightt lifters here and swinners. Oh thats me. I am 50 years old, have been to hell and back not once but two times. Then given something very precious. Time. DO NOT consider this the end of an existance for one momnet. You are being provided a gift that will allow you to just keep on keep'n on.

I got mine only 7 weeks ago. And now I feel better than I have in years, the scar is healing nicely and no one besides the folks here or my family know I've got one. You won't be disabled, in fact you will become "Re-Enabled". And besides you live in the only place on the planet that you can get outstanding free "Good Scotch".

I'm really not supposed to swim much, and I don't do what I used to. Just a couple of laps for now. And thats so the leads have time to become well entrenched.

But other than that, I like you didn't know what to think. Well brother scot this is a hell of a lot better than being dead. So we live another day to battle the same problems and the same BS. But at least you are here to do that.

No take a stiff 3 fingers for me and enjoy the next few weeks, cause you what you'll be disappointed in how little any of this changes.

Greg

I'm golfing again

by sgrozinski - 2007-10-02 11:10:59

Allan, It's been 4 months since my emergency PM and following 4 adjustments to the PM I feel real good. I played 18 holes of golf today and don't even feel tired. Before the PM I could barely walk. At age 74 I feel blessed. The PM will make you feel fine again.
Good luck, Steve

Hi Allan,

by Gellia2 - 2007-10-03 03:10:31

I agree with all the rest. I just celebrated 32 years with my pacemaker. Problems? Sure, but without it, I never would make my upcoming 59 birthday. You will spend some days remembering, but most forgetting. It gets better as time goes by and you learn to trust for ticking friend. Think of it this way. Before your heart was sick. You are doing something to make it well again. In effect, we pacer recipients are lucky. Most of the cardiac problems that a so called "normal" person can get can be far worse. We, like a good Timex watch, just keep on ticking and ticking. Allow yourself the luxury of mourning a former life, but try to recognize that this new life will be better and your very life safer.
All the very best to you and the people on this board are here to comfort and support you. We truly can say "We know how you feel!"
Best always,
Gellia

What its like

by janetinak - 2007-10-03 05:10:30

Hi,

I want to weigh in with my experience. I lived with AFib for almost two yrs (multiple meds, mutiple attempts to convert with no changes). Finally took chance on PM 7 yrs ago in Oct & have never regretted it. Woke up from 1st surgery (ablation & single lead PM) feeling better than I had in 2 yrs. Little pain, but controlled with Tylenol, some restrictions for awhile on lifting & throwing my (L) arm around over my head but do-able. I was a little concerned at 1st as I am completely PM dependent but feel so great & get a lot of compliments on how much better I looked that I learned rapidly to adjust. Now exercise in pool every day (for arthritis not for PM) & seldom think about PM. I hope all goes as well for you as it has done for me. I am on my secondd PM also.

Jnaet

upcoming surgery

by luckyloo - 2007-10-03 08:10:09

dear allan,

i felt like you too. i have a defib/pacemaker combo. i am 44 and had mine in 7 years ago with one lead and device replacement. i received one shock which was painful but i was able to put that out of my mind. you won't have to worry about those!

99% of the time i totally forget i even have this device. the scar doesn't bother me, the bump where the device is doesn't bother me. i played tennis (3.5-4.0 level), golfed, skiied, rode horses, tubed, you name it i did it (i don't now but that's because of my hand...different issue.) i do still jog though. i love to run. once in a while i feel the pacer kick on and it just sort of tickles. doesn't hurt. you feel a light tapping...sometimes a little flutter in your throat like when you have PVCs. nothing painful though.

mourning your body the way it used to be is so normal. you need to mourn. it is a loss if you think about it...a real loss. once you are done with recovery and your back to doing the things you once did these thoughts should ease up. you'll forget all about the device. you'll also look at it as a lifesaver. i feel much safer with my device.

have trust in your EP. i'm sure you've checked him/her out to make sure they have done many of these . during surgery you're asleep. afterwards you have arm restrictions...mine were no raising your arm above your head for 6 weeks and no lifting for 6 weeks...that is to allow the lead to scar in good so it won't be pulled out when you go golfing :o)

i'll pray for you that you find peace in this and that your surgery goes well.

God bless,
luckyloo

Allan

by scpck - 2007-10-03 09:10:39

Unlike you and most here I just want mine OUT. However somewhere underneath all my grief and depression I *know* this is what is keeping me "alive."

I totally agree that the battery life should last more than 5 eyars. I read somewhere someone is working on one that will have a solar generator based on body heat.

My buzzbox was inserted Auguest 15. fifteen days before I turned 63. And the day after my youngest childs birthday. I don't guess I/'ll ever forget that day.

Apparently what we are experiencing is Nrmal. Normal. Normal. Say it over and click your heels 3x (can't hurt)

Allan

by cottontop - 2007-10-04 11:10:09

Hi,
Don't ever be sorry to vent your feelings. That is what is so great about this site. Everyone understands! I never looked at getting my pacemaker as living half a life. I was scared more about the surgery ( which was not bad at all ) me thinking about for a few weeks was worse. Think of it as a new beginning. I thank God for giving man the technology to have a device like this. I have only had mine for 3 1/2 months and yes there are times I don't think about it. And you know when I do feel it kick in ( had pericardial sac around heart removed ) so I feel more than average. Dr. says that's normal. I thank the good Lord that it is there to kick in. Think positive- it is really no more than taking a medication for an illness. We just implant this med. and it does it's job. I will pray for you as I had and still do have so many churches and people praying for me. That's what gives you the strenght to get through all of this. I do understand that myself at 49 think that I was to young for a pacemaker. After joining this site there are many much younger that have had them for years and doing great. I will say the doctors say up and around like you will be doiong your normal rountine in a set amount of time. We are all different. I thought after the 6wks. I would be on my merry little way. Not so! After finding this site I realized that it takes time and the doctors go by the textbook! Guess what? Our bodies have there own time scale.Ask any questions you think of and there are no silly, stupid questions on this site. Believe me someone always has an answer or a kind word to help you out. God Luck! You are in my prayers,Allan. You had better keep us posted. Great to make a new friend.

God bless you,
cottontop

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