Pacemaker and relationships

hi

by Tracey_E - 2024-07-20 12:29:36

Like you, I was born this way so I've never known anything else. I got my first pacer in my 20's. I'm 57 now and have kids your age, and have been married a long time, but it's not hard to remember how it felt in those early days dating and being unsure. I didn't usually bring it up unless there was a reason to, only told people if they had a need to know or I trusted them. I honestly don't even remember how I told my husband. If anyone ever had a problem with it and lost interest in me because of it, they never had the nerve to say it to my face.

At the risk of sounding like the mom I am, the right person is not going to care. At all. Mature adults, a partner worth planning a future with, are not going to be so shallow as to care about scars.

A guy once found out about my heart condition and asked if I was allowed to have sex. I looked him in the eye and said nope, it's way too dangerous. Stupid questions are a quick way to weed out the people not worth our time. And messing with them can be fun lol. 

As we age, everyone ends up with scars. We just got started on ours a little younger. Your friends will catch up with you. The older you get, the less you will feel different. 

Been there, done that re: being treated like glass, I've learned that people follow our lead. I treat it as perfectly normal, so others don't think it's a big deal either. People look at me and see someone healthy and active. The pacer is just a part of me, it does not define me. Don't give it any more power than that, and surround yourself with people who feel the same, who love you for who you are.

We have other members your age, hopefully they will chime in soon, but that's my been-through-it perspective. 

Relationships

by piglet22 - 2024-07-20 12:36:26

Don't worry about your pacemaker.

You are who you are.

Of course people might be concerned but that's as far as it should go. There are thousands of people on here of all ages and abilities who simply enjoy life and everything else.

Take my word for it, there are far worse things that test relationships, and if you are with the right person or people, it doesn't make a scrap of difference.

For the long haul, it's what's between the ears that matters.

See your condition and your device as a badge of honour and a mark of your courage to go through with it all.

Get out there and enjoy yourself.

Letting people know

by Lurker (Doc DX) - 2024-07-20 14:00:21

I just bought a T shirt with the words "I love my pacemaker" emblazoned on the front in huge letters.

So I'm taking it to the extreme in letting everybody know.

Doc DX

Being You is MORE than enough

by Andiek11 - 2024-07-20 14:51:58

While my pacemaker is very new and I'm in my late 60's, I had very similar challenges in my early 30's secondary to a diagnosis of Breast Cancer, mastectomy, reconstruction evenutally, yada, yada, yada.  I feel for the questions and the emotional rollarcoaster that you're feel caught on.  But you can ride this out - you've alreday proven you're strong.

Of course if feels awkward at first and the idea of possible "rejection" is never something one wants to dwell upon.  I had a few (very few) instances when my medical history, my potential future (will I have a recurrence??? How long will I live??), my scars and if I could have children became issues.  And while initially hurtful to me, I quickly realized that it was that particular guy's problem and not mine.  And besides, any man that saw me as a dx on two legs versus the woman I am did not deserve a place in my life.  (And yep, it is easier to talk about this all now in hindsight - I admit that).  But best news is that when the right man came into my life, none of my medical past or future mattered.  His biggest issue was how could he love and support me on these topics.  And to give him full credit, he's has stood by my side unflinchingly once it was determined that it was now time for a pacemaker (which was because of the chemo I had decades before).  We're about to celebrate ou r20th anniversary this coming Thursday so I think I chose well.

I'm sorry that you've got to face the challenges that you do, but there is lots of hope for you to be happy and find the long-term relationship that you're seeking.  Being strong doesn't mean that you never have doubts.  It just means that you keep on getting up again to take another step forward.   

Hi and welcome!

by Lavender - 2024-07-20 18:12:41

We have people younger and older than you with pacemakers. Many had kids after getting pacemakers. 

I was already with my current boyfriend when I suddenly needed a pacemaker. So I never was in your position, he was already in my life. I did ask my cardiologist about sexual relations at the one month post surgery checkup. My boyfriend went with me to that visit. The cardiologist said it was fine. I was told not to support myself with my arms for a while longer so not to be on top but just for a few more weeks. Intimacy is not an issue. 

You won't need to say anything to everyone you come across until you're sure you want them around more. 😘 You might have to educate them on what your device does but they will soon get used to it and forget about it. 
 

Everyone has something about their body they wish they didn't have. 🤓

Scars?

by Daedalus - 2024-07-20 20:36:35

Personally, I find them badass.  👍🏽

So there's that point of view, too.  

"What Scars?"

by benedeni - 2024-07-21 09:59:45

Don't worry about it for a minute.  The right guy will Be There for you no matter what.  My short story.  In 2016 I had a mastectomy and decided at my age I was not going through reconstruction surgery,  So... not a pretty thing to get used to on one side of your body, for sure.  Thank Goodness for mastectomy undergarments! 

Then also in 2016, Christmas Day to be exact, my wonderful husband of 30 years died.  Little over a year later I happened to meet my now husband.  What a surprise for us to learn that Both our spouses had died Christmas Day, 2016.  Taking in time zone differences, between 15 minutes of each other.

We took that as a meant to be sign and a short time later married.  Fast forward to August 2019.  My pacemaker implant.  Said to my husband, "Sorry for more scars".  His response "what scars"? 

Stronger

by karensoftball - 2024-07-21 12:53:32

My pacemaker is a part of me and it is there to keep me here. Something I always tell myself. 

I agree with so many things said before me, especially with it being a good way to weed people out. 

For me it hasn't gotten in the way of relationships and intimacy. I wasn't in a relationship when I got my pacemaker but a boyfriend did come back into the picture shortly after. I was expecting him to be skittish but everything was fine. We are not together anymore, but I am not really worried about the next relationship.

Being younger with this is tough, but I think it's important to see where you were (or where you could be) and where you are now. 

I definitely understand the feeling like glass thing. My friends have been amazing through all this and are vocal when people try to play that weakness card. 

Yesterday I played softball and made an amazing play in the outfield. Later in the day my scar and bump were peeking out from my tank top and someone made a comment to the tune of there is no way someone can be that athletic and have heart problems. Well, they definitely can! I just smiled and moved on. 

My scar and bump are a reminder to me that I have been through a lot, fought the fight and came back stronger than ever.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

by MinimeJer05 - 2024-07-23 18:23:36

Hello,

I was barely 30 when I underwent open heart surgery and a year later found myself needing a pacemaker. The scars no doubt leave an impression that will draw attention from others, but I would wear them as a badge of honor and nothing more or nothing less.

Relationships are built on so much more than looks. Your heart stuff happened out of your control, which means that there wasn't ever anything you could do about it. A good person wouldn't judge you on this.

Will some people be hesitant or judge you? Absolutely. And it is their right to do so, but that does NOT mean that they are right. Those are just the type of people you will want to ignore and move on from.

Everyone keeps saying it, but it's definitely true. The right person won't care about that -- they will see all of this as a sign of strength and hopefully be there to offer you assistance along the way as your life unfolds. They will see you for who YOU are and not worry about anything else.

I was single not too long ago and I went on many first dates -- I never mentioned it unless it was asked or came up naturally. Most people just kind of had wide eyes, but otherwise, it was just another part of the conversation that moved forward.

Reiterate to others that you are NOT a fragile piece of glass and continue to do the things you love and it will all sort itself out in time.

I still feel self-conscious when taking off my shirt at the lake/pool, but that's because I have a giant scar going down the middle of my chest (the pacemaker scar is almost ignored at this point), but I just roll with it. Sometimes, I leave my shirt on because I have fair skin and burn easily anyways, while other times I take off my shirt and go about my day. It usually becomes a good conversation piece (helps break the ice with strangers or allows you to tell a story to friends).

Hope this helps

Take care

Jer

PM and relationships

by skigrl3 - 2024-08-17 22:15:19

I, too am single, although way past my 20's, LOL.

I honestly rarely bring it up. Its very obvious to see depending on the top I am wearing, regardless.  To me, its not worth the hassle to explain and those that care or are interested will ask. I am in a relationship with someone that is supportive but frankly we both kind of ignore it and for us both it works. Best of luck.