Surgery is Monday
Well, my surgery is Monday morning. I just wanted to post some feelings I'm having. Really just a way to get things off my chest. I don't want to burden my wife anymore than I have to.
Let me start by telling yall (yes, I'm from Texas) about my year. My mom got Covid in January and within 11 days they had to vent her and she had a massive heart attack and passed away. Losing her like that has been so hard. I lost my dad to cancer 7 years ago so now both of my parents are gone.
I have been married almost 15 years but we are unable to have children so it's just me and my wife now. I started having anxiety problems right after my mom passed. Plus, I wasn't living the healthiest lifestyle. I guess the stress of everything came to a head in March and that's when I started having my heart issues. I presented all the signs of a heart attack but it was PVCs. I was having runs of them and combined with the anxiety is was like something broke. They say most people don't notice PVCs but they sure made themselves known to me. Lightheadedness, sweating, short of breath...Dr's at ER were telling me nothing was wrong it was just anxiety. But no treatment seemed to help. Plus, my heart rate was low instead of high. Most anxiety causes high heart rate but mine was in the 50s and sometimes in the high 40s.
So anyway, I'm getting a pacemaker. I'm 48 years old but I feel 70. I'm still grieving my mom and now I'm facing surgery, recovery, and adjusting to whatever life will look like after that.
I guess I'm writing all of this to say I'm scared. Scared of dying, of my own mortality, of leaving my wife...of the changes I'm facing, living and growing old, getting weaker...when I felt young and strong just a few months ago. I know it's not rational. Most of it is just fear of the unknown. I try to tell myself it will be ok but sometimes I just feel lost. I'm taking meds for anxiety and hoping after this I can get back to concentrating on life instead of obsessing on death.
Anyway...if you've read this far thank you for taking the time. Any prayers or positive thoughts are greatly appreciated. I've never felt this vulnerable in my life and need all the support I can get. Hopefully, after Monday I can have more positive posts.