Divorce and new relationships with PM

I am looking for a bit of support. Sorry if I drone on.

I have just gotten divorced. It was not something I wanted, but, due to the circumstances, it had to happen. I can't say that "I am already looking for someone" I know there is a lot of healing to be done before I can even think about that.

However, my question is this. Is it fair for me to start a new relationship with someone since I have a serious heart condition? Also, I am 42, does anyone even want that type of hassle? I am kind of afraid I am not "marketable" any more. My husband and I had been married for a long time when I was diagnosed, you know that "for better or worse" I took my vowes more seriously that he did and now it has come to this. Any feed back would be helpful.

I am honestly now afraid of growing old "if I make it there" alone. I thought he was my rock and now I feel like I am out to sea and have no port.

Sorry for the corny analogies. But they seem to fit. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks

14 Comments

WHEN YOU ARE READY

by peter - 2008-06-30 01:06:28

That would be fine. There are lots of men out there who would not be bothered in the slightest about your pacemaker. Go for it after you have given yourself space and time to recover from your last relationship. Good luck. Cheers Peter

Gryphon & Phoenix

by gldoble - 2008-06-30 01:06:31

Divorce is rarely a pleasent thing. And being sent out to sea without a compas or direction is even worse.

However....As I have said and with my own set of nut problems I have come to find that we are neither borken or used baggage. There is somone out there, whether now or sometime down the road. And it can be a very, long and lonely road, but they are there.

You have been provided a fork in the road that we ( our Brothers & Sisters with tinker toys), are following too.

Life at times tends to suck big time, and especially for us who have been re-built. Thoughts of where do I go, what do I do, how do I go on, are more prevelent in us becuase we know what mortality is and we have seen the preverbial clock ticking.

George Carlin said it best once. "No one gets a warning as to when time is up, so why doesn't God give a us a warning? Well how about this and God says 7 minutes, time to get your S#$% together, 7 minutes".

What do you think most people who haven't gone through what we have; would do with their 7 minutes? Panic, cry, run in circles scream and shout. Probably. What do we do? We know, we go on and just like my little friend the Energizer Bunny, we go on and we LIVE.

You have been given a chance and a set of circumstances that will not only challange you but will also shape you for the rest of your life and the lives you will touch as time goes on. Without your tinker toy you wouldn't be here and neither would most of us.

I know and complelty feel and understand your sorrow and pain but these are things we all must overcome and just keep on kick'n life in the pants and enjoy the bad and the good.

And do you why you must? Becuase.....WE CAN...

We are still here, the sun will come up tomorrow and so will we. So enjoy the grief, the pain the sarrow the joy the happiness and all that is life becuase you and all of us ARE HERE :)

Hang tuff my friend things always change and challange us. It may sound corney but its true. "If life gives you only lemons why not make Lemonaide; sit under a tree and drink in all of it"

Greg

PS
If you can find the movie Gryphon & Phoenix you will see that even if you are broken there is someone out there for you too. :)

not old

by Shell - 2008-06-30 02:06:18

I'm sure you're not ready for a relationship now but most likely you will be in the future. Go for it! Having a pm shouldn't matter. I was 21 when I met my husband. A few months before my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. (I was young, thought we were going to get married.) I wasn't looking for a new relationship st the time but it was blind date setup by his aunt.(my mom was freinds with her) At the time i didn't have a pm but I had a complete heart block that I had my whole life. I'm not sure when I told him about it but it didn't matter. A little more than a year later (a month before my 23rd birthday) I had a stroke. Things were rough but he stayed by me. 6 months later he asked me to marry him. We've been married for 12 years and our oldest will be 11 in August.

Never Too Old

by gentlben4u - 2008-06-30 03:06:15

Hi,
I am a 47 year old male. I had my PM implanted in January 2008. I am married, but since I also have a serious heart conditition, my wife says I use it as a crutch. I was laid off from work in November 2007, and found new employment 1 week after surgery. My wife says that I am washed up, and I can't satisfy her needs anymore. I overheard her talking to her sister on the phone, and she said that she wants a divorce. She has not worked a single day since we have been married, and I do most of the house work, and even work at my full time job. So I can empathize with you. Take your time, life will get better!

Ben.

Great advice here

by ted - 2008-06-30 07:06:20

You have really gotten some really sage advice from the folks here.The experiences of people in this club seem to bring out a sensitivity and an empathic understanding for others who are hurting. I am amazed at the wisdom in this group. I wish that I had you guys forty years ago when I was going through a traumatic divorce. Time is greqt healer. It gives us a chance to find ourselves which is more important and lasting than looking for another person to fix us. Take your time and don't rush to immediately find another relationship. I learned that it is better to be single than to wish you were. Good luck.

Lot of living left

by locobill22 - 2008-06-30 08:06:34

Hi,

You are only 42 and there are a lot of great years left. Would you think this way if you had something like diabetes or some other illness? You shouldn't.

My wife died two years ago from cancer. We were married for 28 years. Whether you are alone through divorce or death, you need time to heal and grieve. After two years I met someone very special a couple months ago. It happened at a time when I was first getting tested for heart issues. Turns out that my heart is pretty weak and I needed an ICD. I had it put in last week. I never thought twice about continuing the relationship, and she didn't either.

Work on getting your head straight. Do things to improve yourself, and start getting involved in outside activities. Stay active. Things will happen when they are meant to. A pacemaker is not the end of the world, not having one could be.

Bill

Live your life!

by Swedeheart - 2008-06-30 12:06:32

Hello,

I understand your feelings and they are clearly thoughtful... you are thinking of "potential" others and what they can do. It is important to sort out all those things. I was divorced at 29 and thought I was too old to find someone (my 1st hubby left me for a 18 year old...) so I understand. It seems "silly" now... after 30 years with a wonderful man. With that said....

You need to follow Bill's advice and grieve, heal, and get on with your life... no matter how "long" it may be. Geez, we may be creamed on the freeway even if in the best of health, so take care of you and think about the future.

I always told my children when they found someone they loved, that we often "can't help who we fall in love with"... the important thing is to love and be loved and enjoy what we have each day. Quality vs. quantity is what it is all about. If you haven't seen the movie "The Bucket List"... you might take a look.

No matter what life brings us we all have shortcomings that we would like to change/overcome/avoid.... Take care of yourself. This is a great time for you to indulge yourself in things you want to do! You will have some serious sad times, you will be angry, you will go through all the feelings you likely had when first dealing with your heart issues, this is similar ~ just a broken heart. It will mend in time. It doesn't say you won't have a scar, but it will mend.

Have faith in yourself and in life. Be around the most positive people you can find and renew old friendships and make new ones. Take time to do something for yourself you have never done, make a list of all the other things you would like to do in the next 6 months, year. Work towards the ones that are most attainable. Reward yourself for being alive!

Hang in there. You sound like a survivor to me ~ time will help.

Swedeheart

No worries

by Lexi3 - 2008-06-30 12:06:52

Hi there,

I met my husband right as I was about to undergo a spinal fusion and would be in a bulky back brace, physical therapy,etc for months. Also within the next year--my pacemaker battery would need to be changed.
It was alot to take on, but he did it. A few times people have said some mean things about me being a handful,
but it hasn't changed a thing. You will find someone in time, to love you truly unconditionally,

God bless,
Lexi

New lease on life!

by auntiesamm - 2008-07-01 01:07:36

You have gotten some wonderful advice already. No need for me to repeat any of it. What great friends you have in this club; we all understand you need some hand-holding and a shoulder to cry on. I believe you will know when you are ready to date. When that time comes I suggest you not even mention the pacemaker unless you become serious with someone. There is nothing to be gained revealing this as you may never date or see that particular man again. I would say it is none of their business. If and when a relationship looks like it could be serious then it is time to talk about the PM. By this time he will have seen you doing all the normal activities, same as everyone else person. When you do tell you have a PM it will be obvious that in no way does it change you or your lifestyle! That said, I am sorry your husband did not take his vows seriously as you did. It will all work out and you will be better for it. As for him: he will no doubt have regrets at some point - don't give in to him! Take good care of yourself, get your life organized just the way you want it, restyle and color your hair, buy some new clothes, put yourself first - well, no: God should always be first. You will be lifted up in prayer and I believe your life will be very fulfilling. God bless you.

Sharon (So Calif)

i can relate

by grasshopper - 2008-07-01 12:07:57

I am 42 divorced and also have a dual pacer/defib. This is my second one, my first one was when I was 32.. I know how you feel.It seems like everyone is going to judge you and I think that we fear that so much. I am guarded in thinking that for some reason I will be dismissed as a person eligible for a relationship because I have this so called "weird" device that helps me. If anything with as much as these babies cost we should be considered an investment!!!! So go enjoy yourself, if you just be yourself( corny, but true) and don't look at the device as defining you, but rather talk about it with the person once you get to know them better. I never think its best to start by saying"Hi, i need a date are you available! We can go anywhere you want except through metal detectors!"- Talk about it after you have a better perspective of what you want from the relationship. Once you know someone you are able to share things with them that are judged on who you are not on what you have.

Time

by richan - 2008-07-06 06:07:00

Hi Stillshocked,
First and foremost, I think you need to take care of YOU! I hope you get involved in activities that help you become self-reliant and feel good about who you are (who you have become).
As many of the comments have suggested, PMs and other health issues, are not always relevant. "Warts and all" seems to be a fair way to go about relationships. There are things that I cannot (could not) change. The same goes for my wife. We both came as a "package" - take it or leave it. I chose to take it and am please that she did, too. Yes, there have been bumps in the road and I have had to "work" to keep myself in our relationship just as much as she has. We are still very much in love and are approaching 33 yrs.

Hope you feel better and have faith in yourself.
You can do it,

Richan

YOU ARE THE IMPORTANT ONE!

by chillks - 2008-07-06 08:07:28

I am so impressed with the responses you received. You have some great advice already. As a 63 year old new pacemaker recipient, heart attack and stent holder, and survivor of a code blue, my life has been reeling these past six weeks as well. But, above all else, this is the time to focus onYOU! Do whatever is good for you, makes you feel better, and gives pleasure to you. You have been through a huge ordeal. I hope above all that you have friends and family to help you. I have realized they are the ones that get you through the tough times. We have to learn to love ourselves and and be happy with just being us and our lives. Then whomever we meet is just icing on the cake. It is okay to be selfish right now and just take care of YOU! Good luck to you!

Live, love, Enjoy your life!

by Smeagol22 - 2008-07-13 08:07:20

Hey,

I gotta tell ya I have the same fears, although I am only 27 and have not even gone on a first date yet.. I know dork right? After surviving 11 open heart surgeries, two mechanical heart valves, two pacemakers, ect.... and the list goes on. I have come to learn that I shouldn't think that way, and neither should you. People should love you for who you are, even if you were on your death bed and dying.. it is never to late to love and to live. You have a wonderful gift from God, and it is your duty to share that love and heart with everyone that you meet. Your hear for a reason still and that isn't to be alone and be afraid to meet other ppl out of fear of dying on them. When it is your time to go, you go, but until then enjoy your life!

Peace,

Michael ~Ticker~

life goes on no matter what

by branch57 - 2008-07-14 12:07:33

You can start by taking good care of yourself. If you must cry...cry but stop and do something fun for yourself. If you feel depressed..feel it but then do something fun for yourself. I use a therapist for my issues with the heart.
It's a gift.It's a hard thing to go through and one does manage to get through situations.
Keep your self above the fray. Know you are not alone.
Take care and keep us informed.

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