History of Avoidance, Fear, First Appointment


I don't have a pacemaker, but I decided to post on this board because I think many of the people on here have faced similar health issues.

The problem is that after 10 years I'm finally done avoiding the fact that I might have a problem and it's really, really uncomfortable.

I have my first appointment with a cardiologist in a few weeks and I don't want to go. I have only recently found out that I have a resting heart rate in the 80s and 90s, but when I stand or move or walk it drops to 40 beats and becomes very erratic. For a long time now if I do anything other than sit I've felt sick, I'm always exhausted, I'm dizzy, I come close to fainting. In the past I have almost blacked out while driving and had to pull over. I am only just now coming to terms with the fact that my heart looks like it isn't working as well as it should, even though I should have faced up a long time ago.

First, about 10 years ago, when I was 24, I had my first round of serious symptoms, I went to a neurologist. He didn't find anything except low pulse, but I went straight into denial and did not follow up with a cardiologist. Five years later I was in the emergency room. They checked me for stroke and found nothing. When they suggested an electrocardiogram I told them we were done testing and left. Then two years I decided my problem was blood sugar or thyroid or electrolytes or something. All my blood tests came back normal. I actually then decided that my problem was a mental health issue and began seeing a counselor (who also told me to see a cardiologist). : (

Now I'm having chest tightness, strange feelings in my arms and legs and other symptoms. I know it's irresponsible and dangerous to not get this checked out and I'm going to go to the appointment. However, even though I don't even know what the doctor will say yet I'm so afraid that I don't want to go. I don't want to have this conversation with the doctor. I don't want these tests. I'm afraid I can't handle it if there's a problem. I'm also hopeful, that despite my heart rate data and symptoms, that the doctor will say that there isn't really a problem after all, but then I'm afraid that this is the denial reasserting itself. I don't know why I'd rather the problem be a brain tumor, or diabetes, or even insanity but there it is. I know that this is irrational, but these feelings are so strong. Actually, I guess it's because I watched my dad struggle with heart problems (congestive heart failure, hard arteries, high blood pressure). His issues were due to drinking and smoking. I did everything to take care of myself specifically so that I would never have to walk in his shoes, and yet, here I am with a cardiologist appointment.

I am 34 now. I have a daughter with high functioning autism. I'm finishing up with my degree and I'm starting a new job. I don't have time for this. I also feel so alone, like there's no one I can talk to about this, especially since the nature of the problem hasn't been confirmed. I feel sorry for myself, like things aren't this hard for other people and it's not fair.

I hope someone will tell me that this isn't a big deal. I'm trying to just not worry until I've actually talked to the doctor, but really I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few weeks. The people on this board seem so well adjusted and happy. How can I stop feeling like this is the end of the world?

Actually, I feel a lot better having written that out. I'm glad a forum like this exists. Thanks for listening.

11 Comments

For your child's sake...

by Suz2015 - 2016-03-28 02:03:10

Please follow up with that appointment. Yes, these things are scary, but think about where she may be if you are not here to help her !
Think positive. It can only help.

Write anytime, feel free to send a private message if you like.

Wishing you "enough"
Suz2015

head in the sand never fixed anything

by Tracey_E - 2016-03-28 03:03:05

Sounds like you know what you need to do! Your daughter needs you and you deserve better. Is there a friend who can go with you so you don't feel so alone? A second set of ears is a good thing, too. You have all of us here for support, also. Don't be shy, if you have questions, ask away, or if you just want to chat there are a lot of us who have been around this block.

I knew I needed a pacer for years before I got one. I found that the surgery was easier than I'd built it up to be in my head, and that I felt better after than I'd ever imagined. In hindsight, I regretted procrastinating so long.

Suz is correct

by Good Dog - 2016-03-28 03:03:27

You should know that you have been in denial about a problem that can be easily and safely corrected. If you can find the strength to follow-through and get it taken care of you will be so grateful that you did.
It is important to realize that you are suffering in silence for no reason. As Suz said, these things can be scary, but that is because you are trying to live with an unknown. The correction of a heart problem like your's is probably easily facilitated by a pacemaker. There is no way for me to know for sure, but it is likely that the worst case scenario is a pacemaker. I have had mine for 30 years and it gave me a quality of life that is as normal as someone without any health health issues. Relatively speaking, it isn't even a risky surgery. I got mine when I was in my 30's. There are lots folks here that received one as an infant.
So the bottom line is that you can give yourself a long and high quality of life or you can go on being sick. It is your choice! As Suz said, you also need to think of your daughter.
I wish you only the very best. Please use this forum to get as many answers and as much support as you may need.
Sincerely,

David

avoidance

by jim47 - 2016-03-28 03:03:44

you have to go,if you end up with a pacemaker it could be a god send if you know mean. if your heart is beating so low the pacemaker will give you the added strenght if your heart beats even slower the pacemaker will help you.yeh positive thoughts

Look at it another way...

by Lurch - 2016-03-30 04:03:57

Let's say that you HAVE to travel via you car. You have no other option to get to work, go shopping or do anything else without the use of your car.

Your car is having some problems; some times it won't start, some times the gears slip continuously making it difficult to get to work, some times the engine races dangerously fast making it impossible to control the car.

Would you take it to a mechanic and have it checked? If he told you the car needed a new battery and some other minor modifications to make it run correctly again would you do it?

Now, apply that same logic to yourself. Apparently you have some issues with your heart. They almost certainly can fix it and help you to live a longer, healthy, happier life!

The procedure is really pretty simple, and, as others have said, they worried about it much more than it deserved!

Good luck.

thanks

by ScarletDev - 2016-03-30 07:03:55


Thanks everyone, for chiming in support. I've calmed down a lot.

No, I don't have anyone I can take to the appointment, though it is a good idea and I would if I could. I moved to my current state to go to school. I haven't met anyone outside of class and the people I do know are all basically kids. I am married, but we have been talking about divorce lately and that relationship isn't capable of helping me with this. Other than that, I have no close family.

I think I just needed to hear that it's going to be OK. Since reading these messages I've mostly been able to believe that this is true. Thank you all.

it will be ok :)

by Tracey_E - 2016-03-31 01:03:40

I'm sorry to hear you don't have a support system. That might be something to add to your to do list, make some time to build friendships. Find a moms group where you can trade babysitting, join a club, check out a new church, anything to spend time with peers. We all need to let off steam, ya know? There's no substitute for me-time.

I don't suppose you're in South Florida? I'd go with you.

Going at it full tilt

by ScarletDev - 2016-03-31 03:03:53


TraceyE, No, I don't live in South Florida, but in the Midwestern boonies. However, I'm actually from Florida's gulf coast! How I wish I had some Pollo Tropical right now.... Thanks for being so friendly though.

Based on my new found confidence, I decided to cancel my appointment here in the boonies and made an appointment with a big-city cardiologist for next week-- one who I'd actually trust to do surgery. I decided I couldn't wait several more weeks in case my courage fails again, and I also decided I wanted someone who specializes more particularly in this kind of problem.

I'll have a better idea in seven days, and for me, I think the worst will be over once I actually speak to the doctor.

good job!

by Tracey_E - 2016-04-01 12:04:53

Good for you taking control! A doctor in a bigger city is a great idea. If you want to chat before then, if you start to talk yourself out of it, feel free to contact me (the site has a private message function).

Gotta love a Tropichop bowl :)

not what i expected

by ScarletDev - 2016-04-18 06:04:38


Thought I'd give an update to find out whether my experience is normal.

My dread has been replaced with impatience. This first doctor I saw told me I needed treatment but didn't say precisely what was wrong and was basically like there's probably nothing to done about the slow heartbeat and that I had other things to worry about.

I made an appointment with a different doctor who told me that he wanted to see the tests results himself and wanted to follow up with me in a month. When I picked up my results from the first doctor to take to the second I saw that the first doctor had diagnosed me with advanced (grade III diastolic) heart failure, based off of my blood tests and ecocardiogram. The second doctor has had this data for two weeks now and still has not told me whether or not he agrees with the diagnosis. He is apparently comfortable with seeing me in a month, despite the fact that this is a scary diagnosis and no one has talked to me yet about what it means or what I should do. We are now waiting on the Holter monitor results.

Now my symptoms are worsening. Previously it was normal for my heart rate to slow and feel irregular only a couple of times a day (and at neither doctor's visit was anything abnormal pulse-wise). However, I just ended a 12 hour continuous episode that kept me awake all night. My blood pressure is all over the map. 141/80. 130/110. 43/38-- yes I'll spell it out, it's not a typo-- forty three over thirty eight, complete with blue feet. Then my bp shot right back up to hypertension levels. W.T.F. Normally it is 128/73ish. I'm light-headed. I feel like I'm breathing through a blanket during episodes now. I called my doctor and he hasn't called back. I'm trying not to be the hysterical patient but no one has talked to me about what to expect or what an emergency looks like.

Now I know that the only thing that feels worse than doing nothing is trying to do something and having nothing happen anyway. Is this kind of slow start typical?

Bamagirl

by Bamagirl - 2016-05-19 04:05:13

I too was in denial that I needed a pacemaker, & to make it worse, 2 DR's never addressed the problem. Feeling like I was going to pass out - FINALLY saw a clinical cardiologist who ordered a holter & told me I had as long as 5 sec. between beats, & scheduled an appt. with a rhythm cardio doc, did a 2nd holter, and scheduled a pacemaker 3 days later, on a day he didn't normally do surgery. Had it done last Fri. (6 days post-op). An occasional irregular beat, but NO pauses, no lightheadedness. My advice, go to a clinical, diagnostic or rhythm cardiologist as soon as possible. My prayers go out to you!

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