a few words of encouragement

• by hopefulheart
• 2016-02-19 04:02:01
• General Posting
• 1175 views
• 9 comments

Usually do not post about my interrogations/office visits, but I am this time in hopes it will give someone facing that jolt of why, I can't do this and nobody understands strength to try. My story began December, 2004 with a sneaky heart virus. My heart would stop, but I was home with my family for Christmas with something I had never even heard of tucked neatly in my chest. I was home, but not there, my family around me, but feeling very apart. I knew my prognosis, so it was much more for me than Christmas 2004....it was all Christmases, past, present and the ones I ached that I would never see. Days, weeks, months began to collect, and I still found myself in them. I began to feel this is not about what I can't but about courage....courage to live inspite of fear. 2016, 11 Christmases past and on my second ICD, I just had a 6 month visit yesterday with my medical care. I am currently pacing at only 1% and have predicted battery life of about 5 more unexpected years. Yes, I have wanted my ICD out, wanted to throw my medications at a wall, had moments of panic and know I am not the same, but determined to be all I can be with the me I am.
I think we turn the corner on coping when we not only realize but accept we cannot go back, but it is open road to where we can go. One more obstacle is being hurt/angry because others do not understand. We cannot expect others to understand something we don't even completely understand ourselves. Neither can we let others define who we are, but rather write our own defintion. We do not choose all that happens to us, but we do get to choose how we respond. If you are struggling at the moment, I wish you courage inspite of fear.
hopefulheart