Not Handling This Well

I'm a 26 year old female. I'm scheduled to have a pacemaker put in on Thursday (2/2/2015) and I have to admit I'm not handling it very well.

The bandage hasn't even come off from when they put in the implantable loop recorder. I passed out the day after they put it in and they said that my heart "paused" for 10 seconds. After that I got a bit dazed and I don't even remember what they said I had. It had atrial in there somewhere I think.

I'm trying to do research so I can go into this knowing as much as I can and so I know what questions to ask but it seems like every time I think about it I get emotional and I start crying and I can't seem to stop. Which is ridiculous, being upset won't help anything and I know that but I don't even know what it is that's upsetting me.

Everyone around me is being supportive. My husband has been brilliant, my work has told me not to worry about the time I'm going to have to take off (or the Dr.s appointments I've had leading up to this), my friends have been amazing about driving me around since I'm not supposed to be driving right now (I passed out while driving my car, that's what lead to the tests which lead to the pacemaker).

I have support, I have insurance so cost shouldn't be too big of an issue, I'm young and relatively healthy so I should be able to bounce back quickly.

I know I should just suck it up, quit whining, and do what I have to to move on. But part of me just wants to curl up in a ball and cry and let everyone else handle it and it kinda feels like that part of me is the one that's winning.

And if I'm this bad at dealing with it before they've even put the device in, how am I going to handle it when it's actually in me?

7 Comments

Normal

by bluebowtye - 2015-02-02 02:02:34

Hi and welcome!

It is completely normal to feel this way. Most of us were totally shocked to learn we have an electrical problem with our heart and need a pacemaker. The waiting is actually worse than the procedure itself. You have a lot going for you and a good attitude. You will be fine. The best part is: you will NOT pass out while driving again. Once you heal and get through the recovery period you can get back to your normal routine. You have come to the right place. All of us have been where you are and know what you are feeling.

I wish you the best of luck!
~Sheila

On The Path to Recovery

by Artist - 2015-02-02 03:02:22

I can understand from my experiences how difficult it is emotionally for you to adjust to this unexpected situation. Your heart appears to be experiencing problems with the electrical impulses that stimulate it to beat at a certain rate. Now that problem will be fixed and you won't have to worry about passing out and perhaps injuring yourself or others. You will find a lot of examples on this web site, of the wonderful results that people experienced after they adjusted to the implantation of their pacemakers. That will take some time and everyone is different. I truly sympathize with your feelings. In my case I was 73 when they administered a 30 day Holter heart monitor and discovered my heart rate went down to only 7 BPM and I was having all sorts of heart arrhythmias. I am 3 months post op now and life is great. I relied a lot on this club to help deal with the feelings of vulnerability that I had when I felt like I was hit over the head by my totally unexpected cardiac problems. The pacemaker and a combination of medications have fixed my low heart rate and made the arrhythmia almost non-existent. Your specific treatment will depend on the diagnosis of the factors which are contributing to your condition. Thank goodness you have insurance and have such a fine supportive group of friends and family. There are people in this club that have had pacemakers installed at very young ages. I read one entry about an 8 year old girl. Many people do go through feelings of depression and I understand that this is a common and normal reaction under these circumstances. You might want to read various remarks about post operative care and healing and also look at the topic titled "coping". Keep reading and talking about your feelings. The surgery should be a relatively simple procedure. I had a local anesthetic and was hospitalized for one day. The hardest part of that was being confined to bed with movement restrictions to give more time for the leads to adhere to the my heart walls. That meant a stint with the dreaded bed pan! I will be waiting to hear how your surgery went. Best wishes. Life will be good again!

Old Blue Eyes

by Theknotguy - 2015-02-02 04:02:22

Old Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra, had a song where he sang, "Isn't that a kick to the head?" Of course he was talking about love, but I think of that occasionally while reading the posts. You're going along with your life, then suddenly find out you're going to have this foreign object inside your body and, guess what (?), you'll have it for the rest of your life. You're young, none of your friends have this, you should be climbing Mount Everest, solving the problems of the world, or something, and whammo! If you weren't emotional I'd think you were in shock or possibly a Vulcan from Star Trek. So, yes, it's hard at first to get your mind wrapped around what's going on.

I was walking down the trail with the dogs. No problems, woke up six days later with a PM. So I'm well aware of the shock. Fortunately, (as you indicated) I had good insurance so headed out to talk with a psychologist who specialized in trauma and heart problems. Really helped. Helped me put things in perspective and got me moving onto taking care of myself. Then AngrySparrow1 told me to get off the couch and keep moving. Tough love, but hey, I'm better for it. Someone telling you to "suck it up" may sound great, but it may not help you. Don't apologize for letting someone give you a hand to get back on your feet.

What you do have going for you is you've found this site with a lot of good information and a lot of people who will help. You can also ask other members around your age group to give you feedback. So this forum is one source of help.

Some things to consider:

You will receive a lot of information. Some good, some bad. Some of the bad information will come from the medical profession who should know better, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. I've used the posts in the forum to cross check and verify information. It really helps when you know the other person is not giving you accurate information.

Keep moving. Gentle exercise at first, then more as you start feeling better. General rule of thumb is the 4 to 6 week period for the wound to heal and the body to adjust. I also found water helped - no soft drinks or drinks with sugar - just water. I was drinking 1/2 liter per 33 pounds per day. Surprising it helped.

I can do 99.999% of what I did before I got the PM. So it hasn't really affected my life in a negative way. In fact, since I don't have to worry about passing out, it's really helped. So knowing the PM isn't a hindrance may also be a big help to you.

Take one day at a time. Try not to let your mind go off in 50 different directions at once. That's hard to do but when you feel overwhelmed, just tell yourself to just think about today only. Concentrate on getting through the day.

Try to be as positive in your outlook as you can.

It took me five months to stop thinking about my PM most of the time. I remember walking across a parking lot to go into a store. Got into the store and was thinking, "Wow, didn't think about my PM all the way across the parking lot!" So if the PM keeps popping to the front of your mind, it's normal.

For me, learning about the PM was also a big help. Knowing what caused the little twinges help allay concerns. I also get a copy of my PM report every time they do a reading and, for me, that has been a help too. But not everyone wants to get into the tech stuff, so if it is of no interest to you, don't worry about it.

Doesn't say in your bio if you're married or not. But some of the tech guys in my area are real hunks. (I don't go that way.) Maybe you can meet a tech who can answer all your questions?

Hang in there. It's a big world out there. You've got a lot of living to do!

It is a shock for most of us

by Grateful Heart - 2015-02-02 08:02:15


After all, we only have one heart, so it's very scary.

There are so many emotions. Don't fight it....get it out of your system and then you can move forward.

Learning about your condition and pacemaker is very smart. Knowledge is power. The more you learn the more comfortable you will become with the whole process. Then you can educate your husband and family so they become comfortable too.

It takes time to get used to the idea. We are all different. Many of us (myself included) did not know about this site before our implants. Good for you for finding it early. Read info here and ask your questions. There are many knowledgeable members on this site and all are willing to help ease your mind.

You will be ok. None of us wanted a PM/ ICD. The good news is your heart will no longer stop for 10 seconds....the PM is a fix. We have all been through it.

Attitude is very important and you have a good attitude and support system.

You'll get through this....we will help.

Grateful Heart

better days ahead

by Tracey_E - 2015-02-02 09:02:32

Let me start by saying that everything you are feeling is NORMAL and VALID. However, a pity party is not helping you any. Every single one of us here got a raw deal, no one wants a pm. You'll find if you read through the posts here that there are a whole lot of us here like you, young and otherwise perfectly healthy. We have the surgery, we heal, we get on with our lives. It's not the end of the world, simply a bump in the road.

I got my first one at your age. I'm 48 now, mom to two teenagers (both born after I got the pm), a business owner, Girl Scout leader ready to take a bunch of girls camping in two weeks. I'm skiing for spring break, hiking next summer at high altitude, do Crossfit every morning, never miss a chance to kayak or zipline. I'm healthy and active. No one looks at me and sees a heart condition. The pm fixes my problem so I could move on with my life and it will be the same for you.

A different way of looking at things... the scary part is now, your heart is pausing and you are passing out. Once you get the pm, that won't happen. You'll have a little high tech computer that will make sure it doesn't happen again. Rather than feel sorry for myself, I choose to consider myself fortunate to have a problem with a fix. Try to find peace in knowing you will be safe and have a normal, healthy future. Be grateful you have insurance and a loving supporting family. That's more than a lot of people have when they start down this road. It's ok to mourn. It's normal to be angry, sad, etc. but it is a proven fact that a positive attitude will get you back on your feet faster. First step? Stop telling yourself you're not handling it well. Tell yourself you are taking a little breather to adjust, then you are going to go into this like a fighter.

Knowledge can go a long way to easing our fears. If you have questions about the surgery itself, recovery or living with a pm, don't be shy. Or if you just want to vent, that's cool too, we've all been there. Know you aren't alone.

Hang in there mama

by PAM-518 - 2015-03-03 05:03:54

Now, I know your post is from last month buuut...
I was told 10 years ago I needed one. Being the rebellious gal I am I said "Heck no!". I'm now 36 and I find out in two weeks when I go under the knife. I almost cried when I read your post because I can relate SO much. It sucks being the youngest one in the waiting room, but this will make you a stronger woman. I hope you've recovered well. Remember hun, you're not defective, you're just rebellious at heart. :)
-Pamela Einstein

don't worry be happy

by naemad17 - 2015-07-10 12:07:12

I was definitely in the same rocky boat as you! 25 years old last year I was told I would have a pacemaker in planted, although nervous and scared I knew it would help in the long run. Being scared and frightened over a pace maker needless to say was less of my worries especially when literally 10 mins before my surgery the nurses and doctors rush in to tell me I'm getting a defibrillator as well. To make a long story short I feel for you when you tell your story. All things happen for reasons, good or bad it's a reason. Nothing will be picture perfect yet we can create a perfect picture by submitting postive and removing the negative. Being young doesn't last forever and going through this doesn't help living your 20s like you planned, yet just embrace your unique scare and "robot heart" at least that's what I tell my self being half robot and all.

You know you're wired when...

You have a 25 year mortgage on your device.

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