help

Im about to commit suicide

25 Comments

Suicide is NOT the answer!

by Heidiglassmeyer - 2012-03-23 02:03:10

Ang, this is clearly a call for help and please get yourself to a medical facility so you will be kept safe! May be the last place you want to be but the difference is that you need to be there now!
Suicide is not the answer! You may have been to several doctors but apparently just not the right one. You are not expected to live with your symptoms but you can expect to live.
Past getting immediate help for you suicidal thoughts, maybe try an electrophysiology doctor if you have not already. My cardio wrote me off when he knew my issues were electrical. After 2 years of symptoms, 2 EP's, the third finially implanted a Reveal recorder. This was after several halter monitors. Then one visit, "I see your problem and if you would like I can fix it tomorrow". Like you, I was made to believe it was in my head by my cardio but I knew it was not. They had evidence of pauses, tachy but didn't know where it was coming from until that fine day! My life is completely different and still not sure why I had to go through those years of trials and tribulations. I may never know, but what I do know is that there will be a solution, just may not come when we want it to.

I am not sure where angrysparrow is coming from but please, do not consider the advice and listen to the others who are here to support you and value you and your life. PLEASE get some help now!!

You have many friends here with your best interest in mind :)

Heidi

Ang, we care

by Hope - 2012-03-23 03:03:01

Ang, So sorry you have been dealing with so much. You are weary, but you are stronger than you feel right now. Take care and get the quality medical care you need. Our hands and hearts are open to you here. Hopeful Heart

hey

by Ang - 2012-03-23 03:03:04

I am usually such a strong person but after my visit to yet another drug pushing,all in the mind cardio I lost the plot a bit visited a new gp about 2 hours after posting and told him everything even how I was planning to end it to the finest detail. He put me on 1mg alzam just to calm me down a bit and organised for an EPS to be done on 23 April its a long time to go but Im willing to give it a last shot. I am just so sick of watching my son miss out on school and play time cause hes always sitting in an emergency room with Me it stresses him out to the point where my ( year old has an ulcer. And I dont want to have to say no Mommy cant play because Mommy is to tired BTW angry sparrow Im smart enuf to make sure my Son is taken care of without insurance policie, but lets cross that bridge when we get there.App Ill sleep right through all the scary stuf tonight maybe ill wake up fresh Tomorrow.Thank you all so glad I found this club feels better knowing not every one gets "a new life" after a pace maker thought i had been cheated lol.

I see you have a son, Ang

by IAN MC - 2012-03-23 03:03:49

Does he want you to commit suicide ? ... for his sake, carry on getting help until you find the right Dr

Best wishes

Ian

My heart aches for you.......

by Sue H. - 2012-03-23 04:03:00

I can only imagine the pain emotionally you are in. BUT you must think of your son! How would he feel without you? He would be more miserable missing his mommy than missing school plays, etc.

Don't leave this thing we call life, give it another chance and love your son by staying with him

You belong to a special group of ladies on here --- pacer chicks and we are strong! And more importantly, we are here for you and care!

Hugs and blessings to you....

Sue

Again Don't Do It

by SMITTY - 2012-03-23 04:03:34



Hi Anh,

I know I have already commented on your post but
messages from people that indicate they are contemplating suicide bother me. So again, I hope you are able to get the help you so desperately need, but if you truly think there is no help for you out there please take a look at what Angrysparrow is saying.

Taking ones life is the easy part. But for those left behind it is usually hell on earth. Our loved ones can more easily understand our demise if we die because of an illness or an accident, but if we die by our on hands they will not understand and will have nothing but questions. The biggest one being where or how did they fail you. For many these unanswered questions go with them forever. So if think you cannot get the help you need and suicide is all you have left, please think about what your suicide will do to your loved ones.

I wish you the best,

Smitty

Wait

by Casper - 2012-03-23 04:03:55

Dear Ang,

When I read your post, I had to collect myself and try to figure out what to say.

Please hang in there, I wish you were close by, I'd invite you over for a nice cup of tea and we could talk it over.

My prayers are with you right this very moment.

Casper

spelling / grammer

by ReneeV2.0 - 2012-03-23 09:03:01

Don't mind my terrible spelling and grammar, I just wanted to give words of encouragement as quickly as possible, because I know you need it right now.

Ang :(

by ReneeV2.0 - 2012-03-23 09:03:38

My heart goes out to you Ang. We are all struggling and battling with are "broken hearts" and some have it harder then others - you obviously have had it rought for awhile.


You need to find a cardiologist that you like and trust. I see you are in South Africa. Unfortuantely, I can't refer anyone since I'm in the US... but I am sure there are caring knowledgeable doctors there.

You mention Anti Depressant... that may not be a bad idea. Not because you're "crazy" but because this is hard and sometimes we all need help. If that can be your "crutch" just while they figure what needs adjusted, that's absolutely fine.


Have you tried calling the pacemaker manufacturer? Maybe they can give some advise and can work with doctors.

No matter what - you are not alone!!! We may be all over the planet but we are all in this big pacer family; we are learning sharing and caring from each other. We are all struggling with a similar battle.

Please keep your head up, and keep us updated.


DON'T DO IT -

by donr - 2012-03-23 10:03:07

See a private message I sent you.

Don

me again

by Ang - 2012-03-23 10:03:38

I have had my pace maker since 2010
I suffer from brady cardia to the point where my heart stops.
I also suffer from missed beats and spiked heart rates when I am not being active. when I am active or stressed out however my heart doesnt race? why.

Ive been told Im unfit but can not excersise because when I do I get the worst pain in my chest and jaw my left arme starts burning as well as pins and needles and I cant breathe because i feel like my chest is being crushed.

this pain is only releived by taking angina spray and asprin.

I also have really low bp and my feet,neck and hands swell up at nigh.

do I need anti deppresants or another cardio?
Ie been to & cardiologists and they either cant find the problem or treat me like im crazy is suicide the only way to end my missery?

DON"T DO IT

by SMITTY - 2012-03-23 10:03:43

Hello Ang,

Don't do it. I have always heard that suicide is a permanent solution to what may be a temporary problem so at least be sure if what you have temporary or permanent.

After looking at your list of symptoms I suggest that you change Drs, or at least get a second opinion. I see some things there your PM is not going. Also, I'll be bold and say if bradycardia is causing your heart to stop, some PM settings changes should solve that problem.

Rather than go further with this, I suggest that you see another cardiologist and take them a copy of what you posted here.

Good luck,

Smitty

Please do not do it

by kat97 - 2012-03-23 11:03:19

Thru life we go through alot of trials and tribulations. This is one of them. Believe me! Ive been thru aot in my life and when I now look back I dont know how I have gotten thru them but I do know two things: one Im glad I did and two they ALL make you a stronger person. Talk to someone whether its a counselor, dr, friend, or a friend on here. WE all love you! Lee
PS if you need to private msg please do!!!

hey

by Ang - 2012-03-23 11:03:55

i have seen 7 cardiologists including the one who had me admitted to a phsyc hospital when I told him my heart stopped and started by itself. only 8 months later was a holter done and it was very clear that my heart had indeed stopped 8 times for between 3 and 16 seconds, but because I am 27 and have no physical damage to the heart just electrical interference I am not a high priority case I am tired of going from pillar to post and still getting no answers. I am just expected to live with this and take happy pils. I have seen 3 phsycs and they referred me to cardiologists but then the cardio cant find the problem an it all starts all over again.

please, no

by kiml1123 - 2012-03-24 02:03:12

I wish you were near, ... by looking at all the posts you are cared for, loved, needed, wanted. Think of your son, he needs you, in any condition, he needs his mother. You are irreplacable- valuable. I know times get hard but if we didn't have bad times we wouldn't know the good ones. Please get help. For yourself and your son.
Please, keep in touch. Xoxo

Don't

by Rodlyn - 2012-03-24 02:03:50

Never scare people with heart problems! I know how you feel. I was ready to jump off a building last November when my AFIB had me nearly incopacitated. The main problem then was that I live in a small town with one story buildings. I was lucky in that I was able to have surgery in Dec that helped me alot. I am at least able to sleep and work part time. I'm 54. I have to work to keep my health insurance. Just remember it is always darkest before the dawn. Think of what a gift life is. Try to marvel in it. Hang in there. I've had my pacer for 17 years and had all kinds of heart problems since childhood. It does get old to constantly struggle to just thru the day.

thinking of you, Ang

by Hope - 2012-03-24 04:03:09

Ang, It is 2:30 a.m. here in the U. S.. Can't sleep tonight because we have a friend on this site so far away that so many of us wish we could help in person. My daughter died suddenly last May. Her children are with me now. Please believe me there is no never ending pain worse for a child than Mom dying. I have retired and giving my all to the children. I am on my 2nd. ICD since 2004 because of a sneaky heart virus. I do understand you are exhausted physically and emotionally weary, but do not give up on yourself and your child. You are bound by love and flesh forever and always, and that is so special and worthy of your determination. Someday, with some caring, qualified medical help you will smile, hug your precious child, and say we are family, and we are forever and always winners together. Wishing you health and happiness to come. Our arms are around you! Hopeful Heart

again

by Ang - 2012-03-24 07:03:42

I was woken up at 4a.m this morning with major pain and funny beats so I took a sleeping pill and spent most of the day in bed,tonight while having fun at a friends house warming joking laughing etc. I felt my heart skip a beat very very often along with all the usual beats I ignored it.

On my way to their kitchen to get my hubby a drink then I felt my heart racing followed by a pain so intense that I fell to my knees and physically wet myself!!!!!! I called my husband who then took my pulse 160bpm. Thank God I was wearing black jeans determined not to make a scene I went home and took an alzam just to calm myself down. Anyway long story short I am now more then ever convinced that my doctor is the crazy one and actually looking forward to the EPS. Has anyone had it? does it hurt. I have also come to the realization that its my fear of dying and leaving my son behind that drives me into depression and suicidal thoughts (get it before it gets you) I just need to survive till 23 April Thank you every one for all you responses.

P.s Im also getting a pace maker upgrade my new cardio phoned Today and said after reviewing all my records hes convinced there is a block in the upper chambers not covered by my current sing lead pacer.

Praying hes right. either way 23 April is d day.

Think of those around you

by DC Pacer - 2012-03-24 10:03:38

Ang, I think the advice on here is good, and is intended to make you think about what you shared here. Even the post that seems pretty negative - THINK about what the impact the decision of suicide may have on those around you.

I don't condone suicide as a solution to anything - find new doctors, go to the ER, get admitted and request a patient advocate / ombudsman as well as a psychologist so you can communicate your frustration and health challenges to someone other than the cardiologists who have apparently failed you before.

A patient advocate can get involved on your behalf and possibly help you navigate the system of doctors and medicines.

You are in my thoughts - be strong.

DCPacer

don't do it!

by msmillholland - 2012-03-24 12:03:19

Dear Ang,
Hang in there and give it a little more time. I'm guessing most of us here have very serious heart ailments or we wouldn't have these life saving devices. My cardiologist told me when I was diagnosed last year, that if this had happened thirty years ago, he would have told me to get my affairs in order. I feel very lucky to be living in a high tech world and very lucky also to live in Houston, TX where I have the best medical care one could possibly have. I fought taking an antidepressant, but finally consented and it was a very good thing for me. However, I'm hoping to be able to go off it in the near future. You should give it a try. When I get down, I try to put things in perspective. You don't have to look far to find a lot of people worse off than you. Don't give up. You owe it to your son to keep trying. Good luck!
M. Millholland

Stay Strong!

by Grateful Heart - 2012-03-25 01:03:16

You can do it, your family needs you. It sounds like the upgrade may be the answer…that’s great news. Hang in there and remember, “ This Too Shall Pass”. Sometimes it’s difficult to believe at the time, but it’s true! Please keep up posted, I am praying for you.

Can you feel it Ang?

by TITLE - 2012-03-25 06:03:20

With the exception of one, all the previous posts are expressing their knowledge, care, concern, and most importantly, their love. Don't ever give up. Bear down, and put your trust in the Lord.
TITLE

Hi

by tcrabtree85 - 2012-03-26 03:03:07

I haven't been on the club for a long time but your post is the first I read. I am 26 so very close to your age. I haven't read all the comments. I will tell you this and I am a blunt person. Having a pacer is not always fun especially at such a young age.
Everything you say you're facing is something that sounds like can be fixed. I went through similar problems where I got told there was nothing to be done. When I finally found a Dr who was able to give me the cause of the problem and the solution it has helped.
Yes, I still have problems and that's part of life. Everyone does. You need a good support system and friend/family to help you get through how you feel.
I don't believe a person who sends a message out saying they are going to kill themselves. It's a cry out for help to get to the bottom of your issue. I hope and pray that you find a Dr.
If you ever want to talk. Please feel free to send a private message and I will give you my info.

Blessings and Prayers,
Tammy

trying

by Ang - 2012-03-28 10:03:32

Hey all thanx for all the msges butI seem to be feeling worsepanicking crying and have very disturbing thoughts of suicide or murder. Yes Sporrow I post it here because these issues started after I got my PM so I'm seing My GP again today really hoping he puts me in a phsyc ward I don't think being around my family is safe now yep there you have it having a heart disease drove me crazy!!! Will keep updating.

Ang, There is a reason

by Gramps - 2012-03-29 01:03:09

Ang,
My Granddaughter was 13 when she had brain cancer and was given a 50-50 change of living. She ask me "why God was doing this to her because he knows I am a weak pearson". I agreed that she was a weak person and God knew that. Also at some point in her life she was going to have to be stonger than anyone could imagine and that he was preparing her for that time. She ask when that time would be and I told her that only she would know that but that at that time she would understand. She went from a self pitty person to a very outgoing and helpful to others. At 14 she went to one of her Kemo Mates funeral because she thought " her other friends might need her". I about 45 minutes I am going to meet that now 27 year old Granddaughter and my 2+ Great Granddaughter to walk around the lake (1.1 miles). We will always have a great relationship but she doesn't know if her tough time has hit or not because she has been able to work through all life has thrown at her.
Bless you Ang and keep us posted,
Gramps

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