Husband doesn't understand

Hi, I think this site is great, I often come on here to read your stories when I need a boost or to know I'm not alone.
I had my pacemaker fitted when I was 22 in 2004, I am now 26. I sometimes feel a bit alone as my husband has never been able to fully understand how it effects me. He didn't come to the hospital when I went into have the operation (we weren't married or living together then, but had been dating for 6 years) and he's never really been able to talk about it with me. He says he doesn't want to make a big deal because it doesn't change who I am, and so he almost makes light of it. The thing is it kind of does change who I am, what I've been through. Although I have my family and husband, it's easy for them to forget that I have it, but I remember ever day, when it hurts for no reason, or I accidentially knock my chest, or when getting dressed and I see my scar or when I notice it kick in and my heart starts racing, or if I go through shop security...etc etc I could go on!

I'm now thinking about having a baby in the not too distant future and I'm concerned that we plan for it well before or after I'm due to have my pacemaker replaced as I don't think I could cope with both at the same time. My pacemaker is likely to be replaced in the next couple of years, around the time that we'll probably be wanting a baby. However when I mentioned to my husband this is a concern, he wouldn't even consider it or discuss it, it just said we'll see what happens. But he doesn't understand I have to think ahead with this!

Sorry it's a long posting, just feeling sad that the person whose closest to me isn't very good at being supportive on the one thing I have the most trouble with. Any advice would be welcome.

Thanks Sara


Another thought

by stillshocked - 2007-09-21 05:09:25

If your husband is going through what mine does then maybe this will help.

Sometimes people think if they don't talk about it then it doesn't exist. He is maybe afraid that if he admits this is real and a concern then he has to deal with it himself.

How does his family deal with problems? I mean his mom and dad and siblings? Do you see the same type of behavior? This has a lot to do with it too. He may not know anyother way to deal with this. It's hard for people to realize that maybe their spouse or loved one is not perfect especially when it is out of their control.

Best of luck

He Loves You

by hooimom - 2007-09-21 07:09:12

Hi Sara,
I know it is so hard for you to go through this without his support, but like Stillshocked says, it is probably very difficult for him to face your medical problems. Some people want to go through life in denial with heads buried in the sand. I husband is like that as well. While it is very frustrating at times I know it comes from a place of love and fear. The worst thing that could happen to your husband is that he could lose you so he just won't think about you being "sick". He wants you you are healthy!

I had to have the big serious talk with my husband and it ended up with me in tears and very upset but he started to understand what it was like for me and he offers more support now. You may have to talk to him more than once, but keep telling him how important it is for you to have his support.

Do you have close friends that understands what you are going through with your pacemaker? My friends have been a wonderful source of support for me. If your husband just cannot come to terms with it, maybe a friend who isn't quite so close to the situation can offer a ear. You always have people here too!


I agree

by herbie - 2007-09-21 07:09:36

Similarly to the last post, I think perhaps your husband has issues expressing his feelings. Does he discuss other emotional subjects, or make light of those too?

My boyfriend of 7 years has stuck by me through some truly awful times, however he often struggles when expressing himself emotionally. I think Stillshocked is right; it's almost as if, if they don't discuss it then it will go away.

I take comfort from knowing that my boyfriend has stuck by me through all of the difficult times and has been a shoulder to cry on - even if he doesn't fully understand why I'm crying! It's hard for people who haven't been through this to understand - many see it as simply an operation to fix a problem, however it has many more mental and emotional effects too - as we all know - perhaps this is what he struggles with.

I'd say do try to talk to your husband and discuss the possibility of a baby with a doctor together - that way he'll realise that your concerns about timing are justified.

I do hope you can work through these issues and have the baby you are yearning for. I do not have children yet but I certainly hope to one day - and my concerns will be exactly the same as yours, they are perfectly reasonable.

Best wishes

I read between the lines

by maestro - 2007-09-23 07:09:09


I agree with the tone of your post: you are supposed to be sharing your life with a person and yet they adamantly refuse to share in your most important issue -- the one which keeps you alive and healthy.

Having a child with him won't make him any more compassionate or supportive IMO.

Hope you end up in a situation where you are appreciated and cherished for the person you are, and supported in everything.


i know exactly what your going through

by pinkypie - 2007-09-23 07:09:59

i was maried a few weeks when i got first pm,at 28 i have had a few problems with mine on and off was fine up untill aug last year when it needed to be replaced due to leads coming loose,and since then ive needed to have it reset and everytime i say to my hubby im feeling weird he tells me its in my head,like you i look at my scar every day i feel the pain and get so scared every time i feel it because i think its the last time i do feel it ,i wake up every day and thank god for another day with my kids.i have two kids a boy and a girl im only 33 but i wont be having any more im lucky in that sense that i have two,i really hope ot all works out for you.

Please reach out me

by bethany09 - 2007-09-23 12:09:01

Hi Sara,
I feel your pain. I too was 22 when I received my first pm. I know what you're going through. I am lucky at this point because my husband is truly understanding of what I have to deal with every day. However, he only does this because after dating for a year, I sat him down and explained everything to him. I made him listen to everything, and together we read tuns of info on pacemakers.
As for having children, I have been told that it shouldn't be a problem. There will be two complications. The first being that the pregnancy increases your blood flow so much that it can put a lot of strain on my heart. The second is that the doc told me that once I went into labor, I would have to have a c-section. The pushing will put too much strain on my heart.
Sara, please email me. I can be a shoulder for you to cry on...I know what you're going through. I understand your pain.


Thank you

by sarajane - 2007-09-24 06:09:20

Hi Everyone

I'd like to say a huge thank you for your postings, it's so comforting to know I'm not alone and there are people of similar ages going through the same things. I really appreciate all your advice, it has been very helpful and I will take on board your comments. I'm wondering whether it would be beneficial for me to print your comments and show them to my husband so he can see for himself I'm not over reacting. But then it might just annoy him more. We're moving to Cornwall - to live by the sea (in England) next month for a new life, so I guess it'll just take time to settle and then to bring up how I feel again. We have been together a long time and have been through a lot of ups and downs so I want to make things work and not give up, I guess nothings perfect and I still feel lucky I have someone who loves me.

Thanks again.
Sara x

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