Asking for encouragement!

Here I am at 55. Weightlifter, Bodybuilder, Golfer, All around Mr. Tough Guy! In 03 I got 2 new valves and was fine until July 18, 09. I then went out with a block-my mom shook me to consciousness. I continued work and then hit the ground then jumped back up like a jack in the box! I called the ambulance and spent 5 days in the hospital. 4 ops. Pacer, Dye in veins, camera tube in throat, and cardio aversion(I think) I can't get these scenes out of my head. Playing them over and over. Mostly the hitting the ground...no pain involved.

I'm now afraid of everything. Walking on eggs. I bought a Sportline watch at KMart to check my pulse which I do all day. Keeping my left arm down. Golf seems like never. I was playing well until all of this. My confidence, interests, everything have all been reduced to nothing. Afraid of everything, even sleep. Afraid to travel.I am concentrating on basic things only. I know this may sound silly, but I am scared. Any words of encouragement would be appreciated. The Doc said "You'll be fine." But he isn't in my position.

10 Comments

Pacergirl

by GMan - 2009-08-16 01:08:52

Thanks so much. I will read and re-read your words many times. You did help me. I will sleep better tonight.

Also, what year is your PORSCHE. 80's? Tell me a little about it. I have a 87 928S4 Color:Casa Rose I have been afraid to touch it as it will drive you if you are afraid to drive it. I may take it out tomorrow-and check my pulse after a few corners!!!

Message sent

by DC Pacer - 2009-08-16 08:08:11

GMan

check your messages - I will repeat the same message here. You are not feeling anything out of the ordinary - the wide range of emotions is not uncommon, including depression, panic attacks and the "waiting to die" cloud over your head.

When you get back into the swing of things (golf joke), you will likely reach a point where you look back and say "Man, I can't believe I went day to day feeling like that". It takes time to heal physically as well as mentally. You'll get there.

I feel as if I am lucky in that it only took me about a month to get past the oppressive feelings - there are many PM/ICD recipients that have more complicated conditions than I do and struggle with this on an ongoing basis. My wife had a harder time getting past it than I did:

Her: "You died on the table"
Me: "I'm alive now"
Her: "But you almost died"
Me: "But I didn't"

That conversation happened many times - you are here now. Enjoy it, bro!

DC

hello GMan

by pacergirl - 2009-08-16 09:08:52

I see you checked me out! ha ha... I like knowing a bit about whom I am "talking" to as well. :-)

My Porsche is an 1984. I love driving that car! It is so much fun. It has this really "neat" exhaust system, and it sounds just great. The tires are really wide which helps keep me on the road. I live outside Wichita and there are plenty of paved country roads in wide open spaces to cruise on. It is only a small engine, but it really responds well. It has a sunroof and it still works perfectly! I love driving it. I feel so alive and free. I don't like driving it with my hubby in the passenger seat because when I am "cruising" he cramps my style.... he wants me to slow down. ughhhhhh! So I leave him at home! he he... works out great for me. 8-)
So you see... life is great and I shall live until I die! I sure hope you are out driving that Porsche! Just imagine the happiness you will feel. I can almost picture you now.... zoommmmmmmm zommmmmmmm ahhhhh what a feeling!
Pacergirl

ha ha!

by pacergirl - 2009-08-16 10:08:17

Hi again,
I just your bio and you and I are almost the same age! My birthday is in September though so I will be getting older in a matter of weeks. Thanks to the pacer I get to enjoy another piece of birthday cake! Maybe this year I will eat the whole cake by myself. I guess it would be called "having my cake and eating it too!" lol.

Pacergirl

Thanks all!

by GMan - 2009-08-16 10:08:31

Boy I sure enjoyed hearing from you Pacergirl and DC Pacer. Thanks again for taking the time and giving me some encouragement. I will slowly press on both physically and mentally! Your help was much needed and very appreciated!

Ah ha......

by pacergirl - 2009-08-16 12:08:17

Yes, I can relate. It took a long talk with someone who is a professional to get me through it. He sat me down and said to me "Explain to me what is scaring you" I thought for a minute and then it came to me. I said in a shaky voice, I thought I was going to die... and now I am just waiting, like it is going to happen at any minute. He smile at me and calmly stated.... Susan, he said. You are not dead. You didn't die and more importantly you are alive. You are alive for a reason. You have as much to live for as the next person. So now you need to get on with the living part.

I know it isn't easy. It is so hard, but each day that I spent replaying what happened to me was another day that I was wasting with the dying part. So I tell myself when I am scared or thinking about what happened... I'm not dead yet... keep on living.

The docs don't get it. They don't understand how it feels to be so close to death or how it feels to be "brought" back. But my friend did... :-) and he helped me. None of us really the future... so enjoy what you can. We aren't dead yet! Yippee!

Everyone is different, but I hope in some way I have been able to help you.

Pacergirl

check this out Gman

by bowlrbob - 2009-08-17 01:08:50

I am older than you and my surgery was on an emergency basis also. At first I had the same problems as you. I made my wife stay awake and watch me the first night out of the hospital cause I was scared to death. Now it has been almost 4 years and i forget i even have the PM now. After 1 month my Dr. told me to get back to work and start bowling again, my passion. I did and I have worked ever since. My work is not easy I install floor covering and I out work my 33 year old son. My bowling has actually gotten better. 300 games, 800 series and some tournament wins. My average is in the low to mid 220's. If you go back to some of my previous posts you will see the progress that i have made. You will make progress too. Just wait the required time for healing and then get after it you will be fine. I ended one of my stories with this following quote and it is true. Keep this in mind and you will be OK.

Just because you need a little help to keep your heart beating does not mean your life is over. It is just beginning. This is my quote and I know it to be true. bowlrbob
c

Bowlrob

by GMan - 2009-08-17 04:08:01

Just awesome, your story. Floor covering is not easy but what a productive thing to do. Really motivates me to get moving! Is your PM on the same arm that you roll the ball down the lanes? I guess a bowling ball makes a golf club look light. Sounds like your healing time was 1/month? I like your quote. I am writing it down. Thanks again for helping me.

Hey there!!!

by Hot Heart - 2009-08-19 04:08:22

I'm 56, 55 when started pacing. I can relate to what you say we pace OK, but, come on, we are the lucky ones!!!!! Just live and love life, We are less likely to drop dead than the average jo in the street. OK i'm a wee bit overweight, like my food a wee bit too much, like the odd drink and the odd choc here and there, but I can do soooooooooo much more than almost all of my friends, some of which are 10 years or more younger than me. Pacing does not mean the end of your life!!!! So I want you to be positive and go go go!!!

HH

Thanks again!

by GMan - 2009-08-30 06:08:30

For all the great comments from each and everyone of you. I really appreciate it! I'm getting up to speed...5+ weeks of recuperation. Lucky to have found this site!

Gary

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