Recovery... the long and winding road

• by COBradyBunch
• 2011-05-12 04:05:28
• Surgery & Recovery
• 1599 views
• 4 comments

Was doing some computer cleanup and found a letter I had wrote mostly to myself over a year ago. Updated it and figured I would post it here for those it might help

Mortality: That funny thing that slaps you in the face when you suddenly realize that you are not immortal and that your body will not last forever. Worse than that it is that thing that reminds you that you have things left you wanted to do.

Mortality slapped me in the face almost a year ago when after my second episode of passing out unexpectedly it was suggested by the ER doc I spend a night or two in the hospital to be monitored. I had just had my yearly physical and except for some extra weight I had put on when I stopped riding my bike due to work, kids, family and other obligations I was in pretty good shape for a 50 year old guy. At least that is what we all thought until that night in the hospital when I suddenly awoke to a room full of people called the crash team and their little cart of gadgets. Luckily they hadn’t had to use them since my heart woke itself up after its little 9 second nap. The mystery of why I was passing out was solved. I had something called Sick Sinus Syndrome which was leading to severe bradycardia (a slowing of your heart rate) and that was leading to syncope (passing out due to little or no blood flow to the brain). Two days later I had a pacemaker installed.

Now when something like this happens you go through a lot of things. People talk about the 7 stages of grief you go through with the passing of a loved one and I learned that when you have to face mortality you go through pretty much the same thing. One of the biggest things you need to do to get over this is set a goal and do what you can to meet it. My goal was to do the Triple Bypass, something I hadn’t done in 5 years. It of course would mean a lot of other ‘goals’ would be met. I would get back in shape. I would relieve stress in my life by getting outside and riding again, I would fall back in love with the outdoors but most of all it would meet the goal of convincing myself that the pacemaker implanted in my chest, even if I only use it when my HR drops below 50, would not rule my life.

So I started training again. Most of my summer was lost to recovery from PM surgery but I did start to ride again. I had to get back into shape so I started working out. ½ hour on the bike, ½ hour on the elliptical. Next came actual rides outdoors, first on my mt. bike and then on my road. Spin classes came next and then the earliest start to my outdoor riding season in years. It was hard and at times I longed for my lost youth (and cursed my added pounds) but I keep working. The Triple is still more than a month away but this weekend I rode my first pass in 5 years and while I did it slower than expected I still managed to pass a few people and limit the number who passed me to a reasonable number. Will I complete the Triple? I intend to but if I don’t at least I will have tried, and will have a goal for next year. Coming face to face with your mortality can wake you up and remind you that life is worth living and the only way to live life is to the fullest.

Update: It has been another year since I wrote the words above. 10 days before the Triple Bypass last year I was hit by a car while riding home from work and only the bike helmet I was wearing saved me from what probably would have been either certain death or a very serious head injury since after being flipped up into the air by the car I landed on my head and handlebars. Before my short, unscheduled flight I was ready for the Triple and felt great, was down to under 195 lbs and ready to do it. The SUV that hit me ended that dream, but gave me another one. We are just under 10 months past the accident and almost two years past my PM implantation (I don't call it an installation anymore) and after 6 weeks of initial rehab I was able to get back on the bike last summer. I kept rehabbing my broken leg, separated shoulders, broken ribs and massive hematomas and most things seemed to be responding but my broken leg was not healing. We would see what the doctor called callus building up around the break but never crossing between the two bones. Finally the doctor in October asked me to stop working out and see if that helped. In late November or early December I was walking across a parking lot when I heard a snap and felt incredible pain in my leg. Sure enough, it was not healing. The doctor said what was happening is that because of where the break was, with all the muscles involved in that area, that the break kept spot welding itself but was never able to put in a bridge that was strong enough to hold up and that is why it kept re-breaking. At the end of December I had surgery to implant a plate, five screws and a pin that will probably be with me for the rest of my life.

Another three months of rehab, eight weeks totally non-weight baring and another 4 weeks in a boot partial weight bearing and then I was able to start riding again in the middle of March. One thing we had noticed all along post op was I had no feeling on the outside of my leg, top of my foot and I could not raise my big toe. Worse was a constant weakness on that part of my leg leading to multiple ankle rolls including one where I thought I had re-broke the leg yet again. My doc said it would probably come back. My PT said it might not come back and finally I had an EMG and an ultrasound that stated the nerve looks entrapped at the fibular head, is twice its normal size and may only get worse and not better since it has already been 4 months. The neuro doc who did this said if nothing was done I might lose all strength and suffer from a dropped foot and forever have to wear a brace on that ankle. Surgery is probably the only option at this point. Add to this the fact I have had medial knee problems since the accident and it looks like I have at least one if not two surgeries ahead. The fun part of all this, I have been training for the Triple again this year and was well on my way to the fitness level necessary to complete it with at least a little style but it looks like I may have to pull out again to have this surgery. But you know what, I am not going to give up on my goal. If I have to have surgery this year that prevents me from riding the Triple I will start rehab and training again as soon as I can so that I can go after it again next year.

My pacemaker woke me up to the fact that we have a limit to the time we have here and that while we may face obstacles along the way we should never give up on our dreams, our loves and our lives. The Triple is a dream, cycling is a love and everything else is my life. Two times in two years I faced my mortality and two times I have been given another chance. I intend on making the most of these chances.